Ridiculous

Fink! Fabble! Fiddlesticks!

2008-10-10T16:23:00.003-05:00

When the markets first started to tumble, I was a little sad, but mostly I was amused at the possibilty that there would finally be a convincing cause-effect relationship between corporate corruption and big losses by corporate america. In other words, the system would have told the gamers to stop gaming it in the only language they understand: money. Unfortunately, I've thought about it more and I'd rather the world not be in the situation it's in. Because when the inevitable recession hits, spending is going to get cut across the board for science, education, health care, 3rd world aid, environmental movements, the arts, etc. And that makes me really angry - a mostly deregulated wall street self-destructs, and now because of that silliness that was just allowed to happen, there is going to be a drop in all of those things that are the light in the world. It's deeply troubling that this turn of events may destroy so many good things in the world. As a nation we look for evil outside our borders, to Al Queda, to Iran, to North Korea. Yet as much harm as they inflict on the world, I believe that the recession that Wall Street has caused will kill more people, and play a larger role in ruining the hopes and dreams of humanity.

Cheers!

2008-09-20T09:09:00.002-05:00

So on a personal note, a lot has been going right for me recently. I've made friends at work, and my bosses seem to be thrilled with my work so far. I'm starting to see all my grand plans for my new income come to fruition - I'm plugging away at my student loans, and I think I'm going to be able to start regular contributions to charities and nonprofits really soon (Aside: any good recommendations from any of you, my glorious fans? Right now I have Doctors without Borders, and the We Campaign, but I'd like to set up a portfolio of reputable, EFFECTIVE charities eventually).

I also wanted to recommend a couple of really great books and articles I've read in the last month or so.

The recent articles on 43Folders.com have focused my energy on being creative NOW, rather than tweaking my tools and never doing anything else. Although the whole site is good, this is my favorite page to go to when I'm feeling like I'm spinning wheels.
Keeping Found Things Found: This book is helping me more than I can say in managing my information overload. It's rare in that it doesn't try to ram a system down your throat - it instead discusses how we find, keep, re-find, and make sense of information, and lets the reader make their own system.

Prescription for positive change in politics

2008-09-14T11:51:00.003-05:00

1. Abolish all political parties, or at least change the political landscape to encourage more than 2 or 3 major parties.

2. Put a limit, say 12 years, on the amount of time any elected official may remain in office

3. Eliminate riders on bills: A bill that is summarized as "HR 5088: Amends the Harmonized Tariff Schedule of the United States to suspend temporarily the duty on certain laundry work surfaces." should be about that and NOTHING ELSE. This makes the political process more transparent, and allows the statement "Senator Dumbass voted against HR 5088, therefore he must not be in favor of suspending the duty on certain laundry work surfaces" to be valid

This is the last political post for at least a month...I promise! I've been very frustrated with this election and I'm hoping that this will help get it off my chest.

The gauntlet falls

2008-07-18T22:29:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately I wasn't able to see this speech in person, but I got to watch the highlights online and...holy shit, I got chills. Obviously, a former Vice President challenging America to do the "impossible" is very different from the President doing so, but then this isn't the 1960's anymore either. We are a new generation with new tools and technology to help us. The internet has made us a global society, and this has the potential to become a global movement. I hope it does. Anyway, enough sermonizing, here's the video:

Hypermiling results!

2008-07-15T22:09:00.002-05:00

Follow-up from last month's rant on hypermiling:

Gas mileage without hypermiling: 28.5 mpg
Gas mileage with hypermiling: 34.5 mpg

No joke. I think I can do better too, once I change my 6,000 mile-old oil, and inflate my tires. Sad thing is that a day's commute to work STILL costs me almost $6 in gas.

Employer-employee system

2008-07-03T20:48:00.002-05:00

If you want to be successful, treat what you do as a business, not as a job.

I paraphrased the above from this blog post, which makes some interesting points on how by working in a traditional employer-employee relationship, we are essentially trading time for money in a fixed ratio. We are given tasks from the higher powers and instructions of some sort or another, and then we do them. Sometimes we get a glimpse of the bigger picture, sometimes not. He calls this paradigm the "employee mindset".
While this "employer-employee" system gives me a nice stable paycheck, it usually fails to adequately reward innovation. For example, if I'm working for a software company and I write a new algorithm that makes the program run twice as fast with the same quality of performance, I might get a pat on the back and perhaps a small bonus, but it could be that this advance allowed my employer to increase its profits by say 15%. From my point of view, I just did all the work, but benefited very little from it. You might say that there is very little incentive for me to be innovative in my 9-5 job.

Still though, biology teaches us that there can be advantages to working as part of a larger unit, if the economics of the relationship are favorable for both sides. I'll cite the Apollo program here as a great example of what can happen when lots of smart people work together (can anyone tell I'm a NASA fanboy?).

And I'm tired of writing. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about the "employer-employee" system and will have to think about it some more. Consider this post a work in progress...

Hypermiling, and a couple links

2008-06-29T17:10:00.006-05:00

Ok, I haven't really cooled down since last entry, but I've started to reduce my own carbon footprint at least. I've started to apply a set of techniques called hypermiling, most of which can be found here. Unfortunately, it takes a hybrid car to use all the techniques, but I've managed to use a good portion of them (and I was already doing quite a few). I'll be honest and say I haven't noticed any big changes yet, but apparently gas mileage varies in the summer from the concentrations of fuel additives in the gas. I'm going to try this for a month, then post my results in a blog entry (remind me if I forget!). In the meantime, here's my top four tips to improve your gas mileage:

Make sure tires are adequately inflated - even a small drop in tire pressure can increase tire losses on the road, and decrease your fuel efficiency
Make sure your air filter is clean - failing on this decreases your fuel effiency by as much as 10%. Granted it takes resources to manufacture the new air filter, but they are small compared to the energy wasted by putting this fix off
Do not drive faster than you need to to get to your destination. Fuel efficiency drops RAPIDLY once you get above 60 mph or so (depends on the drag coefficient of the car and the engine tuning if you must know). If you're speeding because you're always rushing to get to be on time...leave earlier :D. Obviously, break this rule if there is a true emergency.
DRIVE LIKE YOU BIKE!!! This is a catch-all for a lot of stuff, like not accelerating through hills, shifting into neutral at stop lights, and planning ahead for stop lights and traffic jams to avoid using your breaks. Remember - the amount of fuel you use is directly related to how far and how often you press down the gas pedal!

And of course, the most efficient way to drive is to not drive at all! Combine errands into single trips, carpool when possible, and bike when you can (this one's even good for you!). Let me know how these tips end up working for all you dedicated readers! (if you exist)

And, for your climate change moment(s) of zen:
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/06/25/climate-change-plants.html
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/06/27/climate-change-warming-02.html

Almost forgot: google maps has a way to plan your route using public transportation: http://www.google.com/transit

RIP: HR 6049

2008-06-15T13:26:00.005-05:00

So on June 11, HR 6049 was , caving to a filibuster. HR 6049 that would have renewed tax incentives for investments in renewable energy for another 6 years. So what, you say? Well, larger providers of renewable energy solutions such as SunPower had stated in clear terms that they would be packing up and moving their business to other countries should HR 6049 not pass. Many renewable energy companies will probably go under without the tax relief. More info at this article, and a summary of the bill can be found here.
So why did this happen? Well, let me present a simple pseudo-formula to you:

(Entrenched Politicians) + (Heavy Lobbying from Big Oil) = (Shameful Filibuster of HR 6049)

But hey, the new IPhone is coming out next month, and hey, I think Buy.com has a special on that new HDTV, so why worry about this? Well, the longer it takes the US to move to renewable energy, the more fossil fuel we burn sustaining our big honkin' ecomomy. The more fuel we burn, the more carbon in the atmosphere. THe more carbon in the atmosphere, the more the average global temperature rises. The more that rises, the higher sea levels get, the more species go extinct, the more desert we will see, the more mosquitos and parasites will spread across the civilized world, the less clean water we'll have available, the worse hurricanes and other severe weather will get. Do you believe in hell? Guess what, believe it or not we're creating it here on earth, one day at a time. None of us will feel the full impact of climate change during our short stay on the planet, but our children will. I have a 2-year-old nephew, and climate change could be an unstoppable, civilization-crushing juggernaut by the time he's 50. When he asks me why he was born into such a world, I want to be able to at least tell him that I did everything I could to stop it when there was still time.

So after all the anger I spewed in the last paragraph, what am I doing about climate change? Well, I used this site to find out how my senators actually voted, and ended up sending two thank you emails to them, since they were voting to end the filibuster. I'd be grateful if you could do the same (or send hate mail to your senator if he/she voted against ending the filibuster - 44 out of 49 Republicans in the Senate voted against ending the filibuster). As for the bigger problem of global warning, what am I doing besides blogging to help the cause? Well, I'm getting there. starting next Friday, I'm giving 10% of my income to to support charities, some of which will go towards research into and promotion of renewable energy (corn-based biofuels do not count - google it). I'm offsetting my carbon comsumption for the year. When I move next month, I'm going to move to wind power. But, I'm still driving almost 400 miles a week in my Honda Accord, between work, errands, and visits to friends and family. That's not so good, I'll be the first to admit. I'm going to start biking to more of my errands as soon as I get an attachment for my bike to hold groceries and such, and I'm looking into alternatives to driving to work, but it's 20 miles each way and there's no public transportation route between home and work unfortunately. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

If you're looking for ways to help fight climate change, I've had good luck with setting aside 1/2 hour a week to do something positive for the environment, whether it's to keep tabs on the political process, to pester your employer for more recycling bins, looking for ways to cut your carbon footprint, or doing research on climate change to convince (or re-convince) yourself and/or others around you that climate change is real, and is worthy of concern.

As our elected representatives have been making clear through their actions, if the country is going to move to renewable energy, it's going to have to be a grassroots movement, and that's where lots of people doing a little bit at a time to make change happen will become important.

Anyway, it's never fun to be all fire and brimstone, especially on Fathers Day (happy Fathers Day everyone! :D), but news about this bill really upset me and I needed to vent in a somewhat constructive way.

Genius

2008-06-10T18:00:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know that it's about 1 hour long. But there are so many great ideas in this video, each of which leads to a thousand new directions. Skip an episode of Lost and watch something that might redefine how you picture success, and genius:

Pooped

2008-06-06T20:53:00.003-05:00

My new job is hard. But the crazy thing is, I really like it. I know I like it because as I'm walking from my car to my office, going through the security gate, through the ugly-ass hallway, I feel a sense of happiness and belonging, and not really a whole lot of "ugh, this place again". Don't get me wrong, I know I'm just starting out and that there will be bad days, but this feels...different.

Now if I could just fix global warming, end the global food and water crisis, and cure AIDs, things would be perfect!

Mochi Cake

2008-06-01T21:18:00.000-05:00

Today was Phoooiee's birthday celebration, and after getting some tasty food and touring some neat museums, we went back and had cake celebration. The cake was no ordinary cake (as you've probably figured out by now. You're such a clever reader...yes you are! yes you are!) - it was mochi cake. Now for the uninitiated, mochi cake is a rice and egg cake of Japanese origin, and it is sticky and jiggly to the point of being gelatinous (it's apparently very runny until after it's been baked). Anyway, I digress. Mochi cake is awesome. It is tasty and delicious and squishy and I want to make some for my very own. Oh yeah, and it defies gravity:

Environmental post of the week

2008-05-10T22:35:00.004-05:00

http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/videos/player.html?category=18151&channel=1797

I take offense to this video - I wouldn't be caught dead eating Wonder bread. :D

In all seriousness, I was nauseated looking at all of that trash. I wish I knew what else to do besides recycling everything I can...and linking the 5 or so people reading my blog to this article.

Actually, I am going to say a bit more. I believe more and more strongly as I get older that part of living with dignity is being able to look back at the total impact of my life - on others, on the environment, on the knowledge, etc - and be happy with what I've done, and the choices that I've made. Now, I'm definitely definitely not there yet. But it's on my mind, and I keep trying to get closer. I hope that everyone reading this blog takes this to heart, and perhaps adds it to their list of things to think about this week, this month, this year.

If you're searching for ways to reduce your environmental footprint, here's a good website I found this week: http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/AE226

My environmental link of the week

2008-05-04T19:30:00.003-05:00

http://blog.wired.com/wiredscience/2008/04/mit-class-calcu.html

In a nutshell, we can't halt global warming just by buying hemp bags and replacing all our lights with compact fluorescents (although that's a great start, and a necessary part of the solution). The whole infrastructure of the the US - the military, the libraries, the roads, etc are all built, maintained, and destroyed with materials and processes that are too energy-intensive.

The solution: Complicated, but more efficient ways of making commonly-used materials like concrete and plastics will go a long way. Replace coal-based power plants with clean energy. Read the article, it's not too long :D

Urban eccentrics, beware!

2008-05-04T19:25:00.003-05:00

This strikes me as endlessly more interesting than stalking celebrities:
http://www.wired.com/entertainment/theweb/news/2008/04/urban_eccentrics

Want to save the world?

2008-04-28T09:26:00.004-05:00

As I watched this, I felt nauseated, angry, overwhelmed, but finally deeply inspired and optimistic. I don't know what my exact contribution to the climate change crisis will be, but I know that it must start now; not tomorrow when I feel more energetic, or next month when I may have less work than before. It's not about individuals anymore - we have a global crisis and each of us must ask ourselves what kind of world we want to live in 20 years from now, and what we are doing to shape that future.

One of the most important points made by this video is that changes we make in our individual environmental footprints are important, but it's of even greater importance that we make our voices heard in the political process as well. The laws need to be changed. If we want to see progress towards a solution to a global problem, we have to make progress with world leaders. We must make it clear to representatives in all branches of government that preventing climate change must be a top priority for them. We must speak with our votes, but also by communicating with our representatives, letting them know that the old ways of thinking are no longer acceptable, that change must come, and soon. If you're looking for ideas on how to fight climate change on all fronts, I'd recommend starting here: http://www.wecansolveit.org/, then stopping by here as well: http://www.carbontax.org/issues/carbon-taxes-vs-cap-and-trade/

As Mahatma Ghandhi famously said, "You must become the change you wish to see in the world."

Another random post

2008-04-26T22:39:00.003-05:00

Quote of the
“Be steady and well-ordered in your life so that you can be fierce and original in your work.” - Gustave Flaubert

Web Service of the
http://www.rememberthemilk.com/

and probably the most useful and inspirational of the 3 to me (but also the most obscure if you've never heard of GTD and/or are bored by cognitive science):
Research paper of the
http://pespmc1.vub.ac.be/Papers/GTD-cognition.pdf

Idealist idea

2008-03-02T23:11:00.001-05:00

Life creates love; love creates life.

These spirits that move us

2008-01-18T21:41:00.001-05:00

I have a powerful feeling. It's been brewing inside me for a couple months now, and it's turning into quite a passion - the kind that changes lives, and sometimes makes young girls cheeks turn red (sorry, shameless Tom Robbins reference). I think I've come up with my own personal way to cultivate and understand my spiritual self. My own personal religion, if you will (much more on that connection to follow). I feel like when I make the conscious effort to let the essence, or the spirit, of someone else or something else enter me, that I am able to realize and do things that are beyond my normal capacity. Now relax Penn and Teller, no paranormal stuff here, just a shiny new label for something I think we all feel. What I'm saying is that when I think about say, channeling the spirit of runners, of running into myself, that something about me changes fundamentally while I'm thinking about that. Mental blocks disappear. I know exactly what it feels like to run like the wind, and how good my form is. I have an amorphous, intuitive sense of how to run better as well. I'll reveal my inner dork by saying that it feels like I'm having a "runner" program downloaded into my head like in The Matrix.

Running is just one example. They say the best way to understand a person is to walk a mile in their shoes. If I want to understand how a person feels, I don't just think about personality traits they have and project them onto myself (well...that's what I used to do until a little bit ago...) - I try to connect with their energy, their spirit, and all of a sudden I can empathize with them exponentially better than I could before.

This success leads me to believe that I've found a powerful new way of understanding myself and that mysterious spiritual force that we all seem to feel one way or another. I don't know why it works but it does for me. It could be my subconscious finally coming to terms with Jungian archetypes and using them more effectively. It could be that I've seen one too many episodes of Heroes. It could be the assload of prednisone I've been on lately. Or, it could be something more. I argue that it isn't important - no one can "prove" their spiritual convictions, only feel that they exist. I'm just out to find what works for me.

More on that. I think that spirituality is a black box, an underdefined system if we want to be mathematical about it. I don't necessarily think that it's possible to encapsulate completely it in the sense of this God or that religion, although the feelings we have when we think of Gods and religion are certainly one of its many facets. I'll go further. I think that religions work because they give people the opportunity to collect, define, and try to come to terms with their spiritual experiences, this spirituality being the universal that everyone experiences in the same way at their core. Most people don't like a big question mark, and to me religion is a way of bounding that inner spirituality that is in all of us and can't be ignored, to reduce its complexity and give it form so we can see it and probe it and try to see how it works and why it's there. That's really what I'm doing with my "channel the dead" ideas - I'm taking this strong, amorphous spirituality and freezing it in place so I can study it a bit, use it to understand about myself, others, and the universe around us. There's actually a strong parallel between what I'm grasping at here and quantum physics. A lot of very smart people have shown that in the atomic world, particles don't have definite positions, just a probability of finding them there at a given time. By measuring a particle's position, we can learn about that aspect of the particle, but at the same time we coarsen our ability to learn about the particle's momentum - Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. In other words, everything around us is ultimately a bit amorphous and unknowable, but we can "grab" one of the many forms it can take and study it for awhile if we so choose. The trick is to not mistake this bound, tied up form of matter for the real thing - when we condense spirituality into a religion, we can come to terms with it and learn more about life, but it would be a mistake to say that a one religion encapsulates spirituality. Unfortunately, this happens...almost all the time...and I somehow doubt that Spirituality appreciates it much.

Running

2008-01-18T20:26:00.000-05:00

I've done it, I've discovered the trick to making running a really long time palatable. In a nutshell, I don't focus on the destination. In fact, I forget there is an end to the run at all, because the moment I start to think about an end to the run all sorts of thoughts questioning my endurance, my sanity, etc start to come into my head. It gets worse as I go on too, because after I've run a couple miles, the (possibly more rational) part of me starts to tell me that I've done enough, that I'm already exercising so much more than the average couch potato that I can feel good about myself. And so as soon as I start to fixate on the destination, things shift into "that's enough - stop torturing yourself". Now, my point here is not to advocate a masochistic devotion to improving oneself, it's to show how I've gotten past that wants to quit before I've really pushed myself hard enough to grow. Improvement comes through manageable struggle. (I have to recommend a really good blog entry I read a week ago before I move on - http://www.43folders.com/2007/12/31/death-and-underachievement-guide-happiness-work)
Anyway, if not the destination, what do I think about when I run? (nothing definitely isn't an option here - my mind likes to idle at 10,000 rpm) Well, I think about each step. I want to make each step perfection, not necessarily in how fast I move, but in form and in spirit. When viewed through that lens, I become an entirely different person, an entirely different runner. Running becomes more about the motion, the repetition than about moving from one place to another. While I was doing this, I realized I was tapping into something more profound than a shift of perspective. I was trying to live up to a feeling, an archetype that my 23 years of live, tv, internet, and perhaps more had built up in me - the eternal runner. In an thought, my perspective had realigned itself into channeling the athletes of the past, present and future through myself as I ran, invoking them to help me to dignify the struggle, to transcend the hell I was putting my body through with every step. While I was focused on channeling that energy, that archetype, that whatever it was, I became more than myself, and I ran like it too. It was an incredibly powerful experience.

2007-12-19T16:41:00.000-05:00

When you're unhappy, everything is a struggle.

Finished!

2007-12-17T01:27:00.001-05:00

I feel like a liar just putting that as the title. My life is never finished - there's always more to do than I'll ever have time to do. I just finished my last official assignment of the semester. I got 3 job offers this week, all of them really, really good. Why am I still empty? Maybe there's something to that saying "Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get." I'm happy most of the time I suppose, but there's always something...off. It's like a treasure hunt; I work my ass off chasing what I think I want, then I get there and there's a little note saying "Sorry, that wasn't it, but if you just follow this new path I think you'll get where you want to go." Round and round it goes. I blame lack of romance or lack of meditation (or lack of medication :-D) - maybe all of the above. Wish me luck! I'll do the same to you.

Here's to living the life we all want to live *clinks glass*

7 facts

2007-12-12T17:12:00.001-05:00

I've been instructed to share 7 facts about myself. I'd like to dedicate this to funkysmith:

1. Last night I think I saw a piece of undigested corn in a crap that I took.
2. I crapped twice yesterday.
3. It's very rare for me to go a whole day without crapping.
4. Being an engineer, I have taken great pains to assemble statistics on my crapping over a period of about 1 year. My mean daily crap rate is 1.3 times, with a standard deviation of 0.4 craps.
5. I like to read while I crap, to the point where I will sometimes stay on the crapper long after I've completed my crapping session because I'm into the book I'm reading.
6. One of my favorite movie scenes is from the first Austin Powers movie when poor Austin is assaulted while taking a crap. Everyone should be so lucky.
7. I have never made a phone call while crapping, but I did crap next to someone that was making a phone call while they were crapping. I couldn't make a crap call. It would be crappy of me, and would probably make me feel like crap.

I nominate the following people to share 7 facts about themselves:

Wait...I don't have any friends that haven't already been nominated for this. Oh well, I guess it's the world's loss.

Runner's high

2007-12-02T22:24:00.001-05:00

So I've been running a lot lately. Like so much of what I do, this started because my sister started running and of course I had to as well. I ran a 5k with sister and funky about a month ago, and ever since then sister and I have been running increasing distances every Sunday morning. Sometime in the last week I decided that I may as well go all the way with this and run a marathon next year. There's a certain response that we all have when we hear that someone has run a marathon - that shocked and admiring "Oh!" - that appeals to me. There are some areas in life that I seem pre-wired to fail, and so it's such a joyful experience when I find something that with enough effort on my part I can truly excel.

This week was to be 6 miles, but unfortunately there was (supposed to be) ice in the morning. So instead of running outside along the highway I decided to run a full 10k (6.2 miles) on the treadmill and attempt to do that in 1 hour - a qualifying time for the Wirefly DC marathon in late March. Here's about how the hour went down:

First 20 minutes: Wow, this is really easy! Look at that guy next to me that just got on the treadmill and started running. He's got some nerve to think he can keep up with me. Just wait and see how impressed he will be with me when he sees how long I am running on the treadmill. I will still be running when he's dead.

20-30 minutes: Hah! I beat that guy. He sucked. I am better. Wait. I have no reason to live now, nor do I have a source of entertainment. I just have the TV that I can't hear, showing news that I don't have an interest in. Oh wait, there's this poster in front of me that I could read for the 1000th time.

30 minutes: Half done! I've got this

32 minutes: Asthma kicks in

32-38 minutes: Focusing on not asphyxiating. Panting. Questioning my sanity.

39 minutes: Feeling better.

41 minutes: Time seems to go about 1/2 as fast. Every step is more of an effort than it should be, yet it seems like even more of an effort to stop.

45 minutes: Another mild asthma episode. I feel like parts of my body could break off at any time. Head is occasionally spinning in an unpleasant way.

50 minutes: I do not feel almost done. Part of me is rejoicing and telling me to put some pep in my step and all that. There is no pep left for the step though - for one of the first times there is a disconnect between my will to achieve and my ability to force my body to do it.

55 minutes: Things are not any easier, but I have gotten better at forcing this strange jello body of mine to do what I want it to. I am now keeping my hand right near the rail of the treadmill because it feels like I could collapse without warning

58 minutes: The treadmill turns off! What asshole designs a treadmill that turns off abruptly after 60 minutes?! It could at least taper! So I'm frantically pressing "Quick Start" while trying not to overheat. Finally I get back up to 6.2 mph again. What a pain.

60 minutes: Yay, I did it! Why am I not thrilled? Oh yeah, because I feel like I've lost contact with the mortal coil

65 minutes: Feeling better after a 5 minute cool-down. Experiencing one of those cool shifts of perspective as I realize that the world is in fact a larger place than my treadmill and the strip of wall directly in front of it. Contentment sets in...

My moment of fame

2007-10-21T11:15:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been awhile! There's so much I could talk about, but I'll start with what's freshest in my mind. Last night my college's orchestra performed Rhapsody in Blue, and I was in the orchestra playing the alto sax 1 part. Rehearsals went well, the part was small, everyone was nice. I was feeling really good when I got to the tiny little warm-up room 1/2 hour early like a good little musician. Tried not to asphyxiate in the close quarters, mostly succeeded. At 8 the orchestra went on stage to play the first piece, leaving another sax player and me alone in the room. Rhapsody was the 2nd piece on the program. We talked for awhile, traded some jazz licks, etc. Eventually an oboe player walked in (he also wasn't playing on the first piece). So after awhile the other sax player goes off to watch the first piece. About a minute later he rushes in and says that they're tuning for Rhapsody! Expletives are shouted, horns are grabbed, music swiped, tux tails flap through the air as we burst through the back of the auditorium and run down the left aisle to get to the stage. I am the last - I had to grab my reed. The other two are on stage already and the piano soloist walks out to the piano as I run through the stage doors and up the steps, hiss to the percussionist to move the bass drum so I can slide through next to the timpani and around a violin player or two to my seat. No sooner is my music on the stand than the conductor has given the clarinet soloist the ok to start. It was a thing of beauty and I wouldn't have done anything differently given the opportunity to redo the whole thing. All it takes is a little harmless mayhem to elevate mundane to memorable.

Back from vacation

2007-08-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

Vacation is over. Vacation is over. Sucks. That being said, I'm glad that this vacation was long enough for me to actually feel comfortable down there (i.e. relax). For most of my other vacations, the actual time spent on site was lost in a sea of car rides, hotel check-ins, indecision, and fatigue. This one was different - there was still 12 hours of car time, 2 hotels, a fair share of indecision, lumpiness, and a cute but occasionally crabby 1-year-old - but there was also enough time for all of that to fade into the background and make room for "hey, I'm on vacation and relaxing. This is really great. I don't have to think about work. I don't have to think about much at all actually!".

Ultimately, I was ready to go after one week. At this point in my life, I'm too driven, too ambitious to be able to tolerate more than a few days away from the thick of things (that being said, I'd have no problems at all with working from a beach house, taking my laptop out on the balcony and working with seagulls and the crashing of waves for background music). I was sad when I sloshed out of the water for the last time, but at the same time I felt ready to move on. I didn't feel like my vacation had been cut short.

The whole drive back to my apartment from my parent's house felt surreal. It's a drive I've done enough that every motion, every reaction was completely habitual, but yet my emotional state had done a 180 from super-stressed to chill. I had been stressed out and mired in routine so long that half-stressed began to feel like no stress at all, and taking a walk while at work felt like an adventure. Maybe that's the most valuable part of a vacation - the ability to step back from your life and take an outsider's look at it.

Holy Shit!

2007-07-29T14:37:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of those moments, where something just hits you? I had another of my infamous revelations. This one was abrupt - **PloP!** it hit me that I spend most of my time planning things out in my head only to forget about them, or learning about things that I forget only a few weeks later (because I don't use them). I think I'll be a lot happier with how my life moves forward if I organize myself a lot better, and prioritize how I spend my time so that I don't fall into old habits like just surfing the internet when I can't remember exactly what I'm supposed to do. Also, I've noticed that I'm spending most of my time on low-level details, which unfortunately I find interesting, but ultimately I feel frustrated because I realize that while I've been tinkering with things on the ground level, learning how to make the wheel so to speak, other people delegate the lower-level details (to others or to computer programs) and focus themselves on their ideas and dreams, and that's more what I want to be doing. I feel like the path of reinventing the wheel will eventually turn me into a tech hermit, absorbed in things that don't really matter, neglecting other parts of my life. Hopefully concentrating more on the big picture will help me to come to terms with my life, my...big picture. **dodges stream of flying vegetables**

So I was biking last weekend and something shit on my head. I was just standing there waiting for Ryan to blow Erika's tire, minding my own business, when I felt this sudden pelt against my shoulder. At first I thought it was a piece of fruit falling from the trees above or something. But no such luck. On my left shoulder was a GEN-U-INE piece of bird shite, splattered slightly from the impact. What surprised me was how slow my reaction was - the first thing I remember thinking was not so much "yuck, I just got shat on!" It was more like "it's more purple than I thought it would be. I guess it ate a lot of berries." I'll choose to interpret this as a sign that meditation has made me less flighty, rather than taking it to be a red flag for psychosis. After all, the glass is always half full with me :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

Speaking of craziness, I've been having a recurring nightmare about a dark man trying to break into my apartment. Anyone skilled in the art of dream interpretation?

I'm going on vacation for a week tomorrow. I'm going to try to do something more exciting than usual - jet skiing, bungee jumping, something...stay tuned (because we all know I'm always updating my blog lately and everything).

One blog entry, two rants

2007-06-09T22:15:00.000-05:00

On religious fundamentalism:

It's unfortunate that a common side effect of free thinking is apathy, and that a common side effect of letting others think for you is the opposite. I watched Jesus Camp tonight, and was struck by how similar the whole Evangelical camp experience seems to be to radical Islam. While watching it, I was struck by a mixture of nausia and by the perverse seductiveness of that sort of thinking. It would be so much easier to hate science, to only believe what people tell me that the bible says, to experience the sense of excitement, power, purpose, and belonging that comes with being part of a cult. I pity the adults because I know how tempting it is, how hard it is to fight off that allure of that sort of existance. I pity the children because they don't have a chance to develop their own beliefs - they're reading only books about Jesus and how evolution couldn't possibly be true because I mean, how could we have come from goo when goo is so...gross! They're being taught to view anything that challenges the fundamentalist Christian view of the world with extreme skepticism, and being taught that if it feels right, it must be right. Which equates to "if it's like what you've been exposed to in the early stages of your life and have fond memories of (fundamentalist Christian views) then it's good. Otherwise it's bad. It makes you feel uncomfortable. Don't listen to it. Science is flawed - you can't trust it. Global warming can't possibly be bad - the temperature's only increased by 0.6 degrees and what's wrong with that?" And I'm not even going to go into the part of the film that showed the children at the camp praying towards and speaking in tongues to, a cardboard cutout of George W. Bush. I'm not kidding. Watch the movie. It's about an hour into it.
The whole thing makes me sad, and frustrates me. It frustrates me that I want to try and counter the problem, but that it's so much harder to undo that sort of brainwashing than it is to do it. It frustrates me that it's not an acceptable course of action to let them be idiots and brainwash their children to be idiots and to let them have idiot meetings together, because their beliefs require them to encroach on other people's lives with evangelism, desire to erase the line between church and state, banning gay marriage, banning abortion. And they're dilligent and forceful about transforming beliefs into political reality. I think that's because that sort of person not only makes their religious beliefs a central part of their life, they make it the only part of their life. They make it their mission in life to interfere with other people's lives. I hate to use language this polarized, but what the hell it's late at night and I'm incensed ; the Evangelical christians I saw in this video strike me as modern day barbarian hordes, with their only purpose being to destroy what other people have taken great pains to build. The main difference is that the raping and pillaging has moved from the physical to the spiritual, emotional and intellectual realm. Militant and intolerent Christianity...what silliness. I'll leave it to Gandhi to finish out this rant:
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
Word.

On unethical business practices:

It makes me sad that some auto makers *cough*Toyota*cough* are selling cars that only have electronic stability control as an option for the highest-priced variant of a given model. Yes, I know that the technology has only been around for a couple years and that people were doing fine without it. But what we have is a technology that benefits society by reducing chances of losing control of a vehicle, being withheld from people who don't want to shell out for alloy wheels, power seats, bluetooth, etc along with their ESC. It bothers me because the way they've structured it shows a conscious choice was made to put profit above safety. Yes, it happens all the time, I know. But so does third-world hunger and that still makes me sad whenever I hear about it. Fuck lassez-faire, let's regulate the bastards into submission.

Blah.

2007-05-24T21:37:00.000-05:00

Depression isn't a pit, it's a cold hand on the back of your mind.

I suppose that what I'm most afraid of right now is that I'll come to a point in my life that I'll realize that I haven't really lived at all, and that I can't go back and change my choices, just fade away with the knowledge that I was insignificant and unhappy.

That felt good. I'm going to read then go to bed.

Whaaaaaoooooooeeeeee!!!!!

2007-05-08T10:54:00.000-05:00

Finally, finals are done! Finished! And there's camping. I'm going camping in like an hour and a half. And I don't have to drive, so I can sleep on the way there!

You know what would be really mean? Modifying a toilet to blow its contents out like a geyser when someone flushes it.

Another poem post, except this one isn't very good but I have to turn it in for a grade anyhow.

2007-04-22T22:08:00.000-05:00

Squishy Pellet of Diseased Rat Shit Placed under the Unsuspecting Reader's Tongue:

Come my love, we’ll rise from here,

Away from calloused hearts and jaded minds

So sure they’ve walked the path that our love winds

I hear their sighs, but I see beneath to what they fear.

Age has shriveled passion, all they crave is dear

Security; there is no good in it that binds

Confines, defines! Better is the love that pines

For bonds that take the risk of tears.

I lay now still, my body dank from passion

Stoked into asphyxiation.

The rising sun brings vague memories of lust

That bring no lasting warmth to me

my soul is mournful, my body drained of energy

There is no point in living now; my heart has turned to rust.

In other news, wtf? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_1SY39Yz4o

More dreams

2007-04-19T07:24:00.000-05:00

Lately, my dreams have been cinematic. I'm not exaggerating all that much - they have action scenes, engaging dialog, faces and voices that are strikingly similar to actors I've seen that would be perfect for the role, and but there are no credits at the end. And I'm involved in them as a character sometimes but not always. This last one took place on a (heavily) modified version of my campus. It had something to do with the conflict between urban and country values, and featured a park ranger jumping off a very tall bridge to save a kid who had managed to get knocked into the water below. I think that scene was for a commercial for the park rangers, but the ranger's boss saw the video and critiqued his technique. There were all sorts of other things going on in that dream too, but I can't remember them because I got breakfast before writing this. Tragedy...
On the up shot, there were no teeth that fell out!

Finally, a new post!

2007-04-16T20:35:00.000-05:00

Alright, since I don't have that much time to muse on life or other such things except for what I put out for school, I'll just post some of that here and call it a blog entry. Oh, and I'm not crazy, depressed, bipolar, suicidal, etc, etc - these poems just tend towards that end because...it's more interesting to read. {-:

Life’s Just Not Fair

He fell

No scream, no sound at all as he plummeted twenty stories;

I shouted a warning to the woman with the groceries

Precariously positioned beneath the awnings.

She didn’t understand until it was too late.

She broke his fall; he broke her body.

I heard it was an attempted suicide,

The guy thought he was a failure.

Suicide

Sex pain hurt cry

Alone numb friendless why?

Cut calm fall lie

Bleed cold wrists dry

Death release peace sigh.

Dreams

2007-03-25T12:46:00.000-05:00

I have an interesting recurring theme in my dreams (not the only one, but the only one I remember clearly right now) - I'll have a tooth fall out. Sometimes it's while I'm eating something, sometimes it's from playing with the tooth with my tongue too much. Any way it happens, it grosses me out when it happens and I'm glad it doesn't happen in real life. Does anyone know the significance of loose teeth in a dream?

My guide to healthier eating

2007-03-15T19:05:00.000-05:00

Put something healthy to eat and at least half tasty next to you next time you plop in front of the TV to play a video game, watch a movie, TV, or whatever. Commence TV activity. After 1 hour, healthy food will be completely gone, no matter how much of it you made.

Interesting dinner

2007-03-15T18:57:00.000-05:00

So I tried whipping up a new sauce for the hell of it tonight - garlic, onions, fresh tomatoes, olive oil, and a dab of balsamic vinegar+whatever seasoning inspired me at the time. I have no idea how this would have tasted, because when I put the balsamic vinegar in, instead of the tablespoon or less that I thought was in the bottle, I got enough to fill the skillet most of the way up! I ended up putting some coriander, a lot of ginger, and some carrots into the mix and it turned out...weird, but edible. My biggest complaint is it's just too damn sweet somehow. Oh well, go figure. And on the bright side, I finished up that old bottle of balsamic vinegar!

I just slept on a reed

2007-03-13T08:04:00.000-05:00

I came back into my room this morning, looked at the bed, and saw it laying there, almost peaceful looking. Its little back was broken, it wasn't breathing. I tried mouth-to-mouth, but it didn't work. Finally I had to dispose of it. I had a farewell ceremony, and placed it gently in the trash can with wet eyes. We had something going, we did! We could have been great together! It's my fault, I know...I smothered you.

What a week! What a day!

2007-03-10T18:26:00.000-05:00

This was a strange week for me, given what I've been doing for the past 6 months or so. Actually, it was an unusual week period. First of all, I went to a recital every day of the week, starting Monday. (well, Monday was a masterclass, but it had a lot of playing in it, and lasted 2 hours, so it counts) I somehow managed to pull this off even with the 2 tests and several homework assignments I had to finish before spring break. Some professors need to lighten up.

Today was the most remarkable day in the week though. I woke up at 5:10am, to get ready, and found that my apt. mate was already up. I ate breakfast and we talked. It was good fun. Drove over to the school to meet everyone else, and found that one of us (we'll call him J) hadn't woken up. We called his cell incessantly for about 5 minutes and then scratched our heads...should be leave without him? He was so excited. Most people would have left it at that. What did we do? We drove over to his place and started throwing pennies at his window. Unfortunately 5 minutes or so of that also didn't work, and we ended up leaving without him anyway. Thus began the 2.5 hour drive down to Shenandoah. Pretty uneventful, but there were some good times had trying to keep up with M and his driving. The area near Shenandoah is sleepy. It reminds me of Western PA, or West Virginia. There were two interesting things that stuck in my head though - we saw a gun store located right next to a daycare center (so you can combine trips?), and a sign that read "Antique Tables, Made Daily". I HOPE this was a joke.

So next came the actual hiking. I took almost 100 pictures today, and not one of them conveys the sense of insignificance you feel when looking over at the mountains, that subtle connection to nature, or how close we came to hurting ourselves. Why is this? Hiking's not dangerous, you say. Very true, it isn't. However, hiking over patches of ice complete with rock climbing (also sometimes on ice) can be!

Many, many choice words were said as we hiked up the first part of the mountain, trying not to lose our balance walking uphill over slippery patches of ice, struggling to get some kind of foothold, sometimes halfway to being in a split just to reach the next bit of rock or slush from where we were at the moment. A couple of us (myself included) fell at some point or another, but no harm done.

Eventually, we got to the more interesting part - the rock climbing. Suddenly our nice little slope had become a sharply rising entanglement of rock, dirt, and ice. And so the next hour or so, my thoughts consisted of very little other than things like "alright if I put my left hand here, my left foot there, and then move my right foot over to there, will I fall?", "oh shit, how am I supposed to climb THAT?" followed almost immediately by a stream of expletives being hurled in M's general direction. Of course, there was so much more than that - since there were 5 of us there, we were working as a team - warning the others about slippery areas or loose rocks, making sure everyone behind was doing alright, etc. Also, about every 15 minutes or so we'd get to a new "mini-summit" and have a awed look around at the amazing view of miles of hills and trees framed by the clear late-morning sky.

Another thing that bears mentioning at this point is if you ever go hiking where you even SUSPECT there will be rock climbing, DO bring climbing gloves. Mountain rock is rough when you rest your hand against it...it's downright brutal to slide along, or to use to break your fall.
Speaking of falling, danger moment number one. The trail we were going along had iced up pretty badly, and had done so in a place where there was nothing much to break your fall for a hundred feet or so if you fell. We decided that wasn't a terribly good idea, and decided to climb up some of the side rocks to get around it. It was some rough climbing, especially since a lot of us were still pretty new to the whole rock climbing concept at this point. There was one point in particular where there was a break in-between the rock we were walking on and the next rock. The only way to get across the break was to swing into the lower rocks that filled in the gap, put both feet down onto a protruding rock about the size of a step, and grab a crack in the destination rock to pull yourself up to safety. The problem was that this same place was right over top of the part of the hill that had ice, then a nasty drop. So we went across one by one. I was third. I sweat a bit, double-checked my balance, and then swung myself up. I hung around with the other two to make sure Mig and C made it across. Mig was a gentleman and offered to take C's pack across with him along with his own. He hung it in reverse with the payload pressing into his chest instead of back. All of this I found out later - what I saw at the time was Mig in the gap getting ready to swing up and all of a sudden a shout of surprise and his head disappeared! I thought a lot in the next fraction of a second...did that just happen? Will he catch himself? Is there anything for him to catch himself on? What happens if he doesn't catch himself...? Fortunately, he didn't even completely fall off the rocks, which is a very good thing because there wouldn't have been much chance for him to catch himself at all if he hadn't. M was closest and gave Mig his hand to help him pull himself back into position, took C's pack, and Mig was able to swing up without it. It was very quick, but stuck with us all throughout the rest of the trip.

At long last, we reached the summit. We had our long-awaited and (at least to me) comically anticlimactic lunch at the peak of Old Rag mountain. The weather was really nice up there (actually, it had been really nice the whole way up, minus the mud and ice of course). We sat and chatted and ate on some rocks with a slightly downward slope. I was never so grateful for friction, since that was the only thing keeping us from falling forward off of a 1000 foot cliff. Fun stuff. Actually, my mind played tricks on me non-stop while I was up there, imagining that the precipice was getting closer, my mind completing the picture with all sorts of horribly realistic visions of falling off that cliff and being in free-fall, painfully aware for about 10-15 seconds of exactly what would happen to me when I hit the ground. I don't know why anyone would consider committing suicide by throwing themselves from a tall building. I also had a random moment of respect for hang gliders, and especially the pioneers of hang glidings - the ones that threw themselves from tall cliffs, not knowing whether they would float or fall. That would be quite an "oh shit" moment. Maybe a couple of them even figured out where they had made a mistake in their calculations and how to fix it as they plummeted to their death, and of course the irony of doing that in their last couple seconds of life. Anyway, enough of that.

Next came the trip down. M had assured us that this part was going to be cake, and for the most part he was right. In fact he would have been 100% right if it hadn't been for the ice, which was much thicker on this side of the mountain. For the first 15 minutes, things were going really well - we were having a lot of laughs about our perilous trip up the mountain, and were glad it was over. We saw a little bit of ice and mud in the trail, and laughed at the difference. M said two things at about this time which are funny to look back on. First, he realized that he was the only one who hadn't taken a spill yet. Second, he said "bring it on, Mother Nature - hit me with all you've got." Well, not 5 minutes later we came to a point where the ice was much thicker. D, who was 2nd in the pack, behind Mig, was having some real trouble keeping on his feet, or even making any headway on the next part of the trail because the ice was so thick and slippery. (as was Mig) He, being a creative person, saw a clear slope down about 20-30 feet to the next part of the trail (it snaked up ahead). He used a nylon jacket as a sled and set himself down the hill. Almost immediately this went awry - about 2 feet down the hill there was a plastic fence that he got caught in, which he managed to use his feet to claw through, but unfortunately his momentum in doing that rotated him somewhat backwards. He skidded over a couple rocks and ended up in a bush about 10 feet from the bottom. He shouted up that he didn't really recommend that approach. Mig had made it to the bottom by this point, and helped D down. M took D's advice and started to work his way past where D had attempted to sled down. Unfortunately, the ice was really slippery at this point, and I watched as he took a step and disappeared down the hill a lot faster than I thought was possible. I must have moved a couple steps forward, because I had a clear view as he went at high velocity over rocks and small drops, and down towards Mig. This could have easily turned out bad, as Mig was essentially the only thing between M and the next drop below the path, and so on. Fortunately, M was not in the air when he spilled out into Mig, and Mig was able to stop him before they both got pulled down the mountain. Looking back on it, Mig was in a couple close scrapes today. He handled it really well though. Anyway, M just kind of laid there for a minute, and we were worried that he might have broken a bone, dislocated his shoulder, impaled himself or something. But then he slowly got up, and shrugged the whole thing off in typical M fashion. According to D though, who had a front row seat to all the madness, he looked scared shitless on the way down. At any rate, we had a good time laughing about all of that later. In the mean time, our troubles were not quite over yet - we still had about a 1/2 mile of icy trail left to go to, most of which we ended up sliding through. Fortunately, none of it was nearly as bad as that last section, and nothing remarkable happened, other than us getting really mad at the snotnosed liar of a kid that was on his way up the trail as part of a group, who told us that there wasn't any more ice after that point. We spent about 5 or 10 minutes thinking of nasty things to do to him if we crossed paths again.

After the ice disappeared came the mud...lots and lots of mud. There was mud with water in it that goes straight through shoes to the socks, there was suction mud that makes a popping noise when you take your shoe out of it, and there was caking mud - the kind that adheres itself to anything wet, which was just about every part of us at this point. So after being tarred with ice, we got feathered by mud. It was an appropriate way to end the day.

I'm awful at blogging

2007-03-09T23:04:00.000-05:00

I haven't written a significant blog in forever. I'd like to publicly announce that there will be another blog entry by the end of the weekend and it will not suck like this one. In fact, it will be awesome. I promise. It just won't appear tonight because I must sleep, then wake up at 5am to hike. Fun will be had. Wish me luck.

Reverie

2007-03-02T23:01:00.000-05:00

I'm too big now for the world I've created for myself to live in by the things I do, the things I avoid doing. But I like the home I've made there, and I don't want to leave - I just want to make it bigger so I have room to grow. I wish I knew how...

Fun things I've learned since my last entry

2007-02-19T18:18:00.000-05:00

Lentil soup is not supposed to taste like lemon soup. If a recipe asks you to put 1/2 cup of lemon juice into a soup that only contains about 6 cups of water, be very suspicious...
Missing 2 weeks of the first 3 weeks of chemistry is a great way to get more sleep. However, it does suck when you come back to class and find out there's a test in 2 days.
Corporations used to be charter-based, with no legal rights (including no right to own property). The reason things are so different today is that some late 19th century corporate lawyers (successfully) made the argument that a corporation should be legally considered to be a person, and used to the 14th amendment to argue that the corporate 'person' should not be unjustly deprived of property. I highly recommend downloading or buying The Corporation for more information (warning: contents of The Corporation are considered to be highly disruptive to blissful ignorance. Potential side effects include nausea, vomiting, sudden bursts of expletives, and development of social responsibility. Viewer discretion advised)
It's always, always a good idea to look in the back of the refrigerator more than once a month. I won't say anything else...
Mahler is the cure for all ills.
In the right mood, ironing can count as a recreational activity.

Arg

2007-01-30T00:40:00.000-05:00

I wish I had a pause button I could press during conversations sometimes.

On music

2007-01-26T00:47:00.000-05:00

"Music is entertainment." That is what I've told myself all my life, or at least that's what I've always told myself that music is when it's compared with medicine, engineering, firefighter, etc. It has always seemed a bit crazy to me to think that musicians and doctors are each equally beneficial to society. After all, a doctor saves people's lives - what does a musician do but play notes, make some pleasing sounds? I think I might finally have something to say to that.

(in this blog entry, I'm using the word musician to refer to performers, because that's what I do, and because it sounds really stupid to try to extend everything I write to include composition, musicology, music therapy, and all that jazz, although I think that it does kind of apply equally to anyone that deals in music, or really any art for that matter)

There's notes, and then there's music. Notes excite air molecules, but music can excite the soul. A true musician is able to produce sound that flys through the air, into the ear, and explodes within the listener, atomizing its payload inside their heart. A true musician has learned how to map their sound to the human soul with the precision to do this with any emotion - joy, fear, anger, passion, gloom, tranquility, and emotions that there aren't even names for, because it's useless to communicate them with words anyway. Gustav Mahler apparantly said once that "If a composer were able to say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music." I also found a quote by this guy anon., who remarked that "Music is what feelings sound like." Couldn't have said it better myself. A performer must be able to take sheet music, which is (hopefully) true music, haphazardly packaged as a series of coded markings on paper, and reconstruct the music within himself/herself. That step alone is incredibly difficult, involving skillful subjective judgement on the part of the musician. From there, the musician must then force a musican instrument (musical instrument: a grouchy, unruly, highly imperfect physical device that really shouldn't have the word music in its name at all unless paired with "inhibitor") to produce this music that the musician now has in his head. To further complicate things, the musician must coordinate his musical ideas with any other musicians that are a part of the festivities. The room, which is also an active particpant in the music-making game, also needs to be pretty good to make all of this work out in the end (if you don't believe me, try listening to live music in an anechoic (no echoes) chamber and see if you like how it sounds).

Unfortunately, no matter how well a musician performs, the music will fail to work its magic if the audience is unwilling or unable to let it in. So how does one "let music in"? I have a lot of thoughts on it...some of them might even be good. Part of me thinks that being able to let music in takes practice, like most other things in life. The cynical, elitist part of me says that only people who play music can truly appreciate it (but then there's an awful lot of people that love music that haven't ever played it, so that idea can go into the trash). I think that one thing that's essential is emotional involvement - not necessarily with the composer, but with the sound that transcends sound that you are hearing - this music. I think that there's also a certain amount of clearing the mind involved as well - I'm a bit reluctant to say that though, because I've had some of my strongest insights while listening to great music. Perhaps there's even multiple meaningful ways to experience music, in fact I'm pretty sure of it. I've had moments of remarkable clarity of thought, others that are so beautiful that I cry inside. There have been times when peace is all there is - peace, the music, and "myself" (the quotes are there because it doesn't quite feel like myself at those times...something a bit different, almost like a borrowed consciousness, at risk of sounding like a mystic).
Maybe the closest I've gotten to the truth about how to experience music is that loving music is a lot like loving someone. To love is to form a sort of bond, forged from pleasant memories, frustrations, and from each accepting the another because of their flaws, rather than in spite of them. It is being fully entwined with another being; a collision of spirits that is at once calm and passionate, where your thoughts, emotions, and dreams mix with another's, yet never becoming completely indistinguishable. To love is to give away yourself, and yet to receive yourself back, but a little less scarred, a little more luminous. Love alone may not sustain life, but love in its various forms is what makes life worth living.

Assuming that what I'm saying isn't the ravings of an overworked engineering student, is it possible that the doctor and musician might be equals after all, just healing different areas? Is it possible to live as a musician without feeling like a drain on society, without bowing one's head in shame before others that have chosen more conventional occupations?
(in my case, I find myself asking an interesting followup question - will it be possible for a me to wear so many hats in the future - engineer, musician, family man, good friend - in a meaningful way, without burning out?)

When reading this kind of thing, it's probably easy to ask yourself whether music can really be this good, or is he exaggerating? Maybe he's even fooling himself, so that he can justify all the time and energy that he put into his music, you might think. Well, reading this, I do think that it would make a seductive lie, and I have to admit that lies do have a tendency to be more interesting than the truth. But...
Perhaps the best things to be had in life start off as outlandish ideas that are cultivated and allowed to grow strong in one's heart only because of a fool's hope. These ideas grow larger and stronger, possibly even unnoticed, until one day you realize that the seed of the idea has grown to be exactly the crazy, glorious, outlandish thing that you hoped against hope that it might be. Is it possible that loving music is one of those things?

Bad mood, transitioning into fun with psychology :-)

2007-01-18T17:23:00.000-05:00

Amazing the power of small things to create and destroy happiness. Today I've been plunged into a fit of frustration. What could possibly do such a thing? It wasn't global warming, it wasn't the conflict in Iraq, it wasn't the ape we elected president, or any death in the family. No, it was a Rubik's cube, and my seeming lack of ability to solve it. When I took up the challenge I was so sure that it would fall quickly, and that quickly transformed into confidence that I would be able to solve it in a few hours or so. Well, now I'm losing patience with it. It's an interesting little situation I have going on in my head right now. On one hand, I think I could solve it without help if I dropped everything and just focused on that for the next couple days. But then, I would have lost a couple days, and all I would have gained is the satisfaction of having solved the puzzle, and not even that much satisfaction relative to the amount of time spent on it, especially with how disgusted I would be with how much time I wasted on solving the cube. Another option would be to look online for clues on how to solve the Rubik's cube, then solve the cube. But then that feels awfully dishonest, although maybe it shouldn't - that's really the way education works is that you struggle for a reasonable amount of time with a difficult problem and then receive help from someone wiser than you. The more I think about this one the more it feels like that's what I should do - life is a time-limited game, and there's no time to waste reinventing the wheel. It's better stand on the shoulders of giants and then see something a little further than they could. Even so, there's a deep lingering anger - why did I accept the challenge to solve the cube in the first place? Arrogance. I don't care for arrogance, and I especially hate to find it in myself. Arrogance to think I could solve it that easily, and anger that I can't live up to that high mark I set for myself. Pride and a fall, in summary. Ugh.

I feel a bit of relief after writing that, but there's still the bad mood. The sucky thing about bad moods, at least for me, is that although they start from a single thing - a mistake, a Rubik's cube, etc., they start to grow, adding shame from mistakes I've made in the past, anger for shortcomings I see in myself, and jealousy I sometimes feel towards other people who have accomplished more than I have. If left to their own devices, bad moods spread and spread until there doesn't seem to be any bright side left. Why do they exist? What possible purpose could they serve?
One thing is that bad moods expose the weak underbelly of our psyche, all of the stuff that gets brushed under the metaphorical bed. I wonder what would happen if in the throes of mental self-flagellation, I was able to take ownership of all of that, and accept it as just as much of a part of myself as all of the good things about myself as well. I feel like the power of those bad memories and unmet expectations is that there is a kind of inner denial going on - I (and perhaps others as well) construct a self-image of what I want to be like, a goal that I strive for. Gradually, as I meet with success in projecting that image onto myself, it starts to transition from my goal to my perception of who I am. Of course anyone who has experience in burying parts of themselves will know that this is not a terribly good idea - it always stays around as...(I can't wait to find out)...an inner antagonist that uses every possible opportunity to point out the inconsistencies in this counterfeit self-image I've built for myself. Thus, every failure (or even perceived failure) becomes a potential gateway into depression. The solution? Accept the shortcomings as an equal part of myself along with the successes, thus merging the antagonist with the protagonist (what I perceive as me during all this) - without the concept of "good", the "evil" loses all its meaning.

The simple things...

2007-01-14T00:17:00.000-05:00

I made a perfect omelet! On the first try! See the picture! It was good, too, even though I only put onion, half-frozen red pepper, and Kraft Parmesan-cheese-in-a-can into it!

Beer Appreciation, part the second

2007-01-12T22:27:00.000-05:00

Well, a week has gone by, and I found myself reconvened at last with my beer compatriots for a new round of bold exploration into the previously unexplored territory of new beer (In case you can't tell by this point, I still have a bit of a buzz). Well, after trying no less than 7 new beers and 4 cheeses (actually 3 for me - one was a bleu cheese which didn't seem wise to try), I found myself half-liking some of the beers, although my taste was definitely different from the rest of the class, that really liked a certain dark oatmeal stout for some reason. For me, the highlight of the night was definitely getting to eat 3 really fancy cheeses (a something, a cheddar, and a gouda), and the glorous seconds of the cheeses, and the thirds (while other people were grabbing seconds of the beer, I was snapping up the cheese :-) ). In all seriousness, I am glad that I took the class, because for one, I feel like I can grab a respectable pack of beer to take to the party I might go to here and there, and perhaps more importantly, I know what kind of beer I dislike less now, which should be useful in the future. Oh, and I feel like I can put up a strong defense of my non-beer-liking position now - I've tried the best that beer has to offer and said 'eh'. I could go on, but there doesn't seem like much point. Now I find myself a bit restless - what's a guy to do when he's a little buzzed, alone in his apartment, and not ready to go to sleep yet? (and no, I don't feel like doing That either) Ugh...boredom is going to be the end of me I think. Wait, there's requiems :-) (I actually am happy about this - I have like 4 requiems that I haven't memorized yet that I'd like to listen into the ground...I leave now to do that). Anyway, I leave you all, my devoted fans, for my music (technically, it's not 'my' music, but I hope we can look past that in the interest of sweeping generalizations and the time and effort that they save...*pause as I wait for the reader to realize that what I just said doesn't make too much sense*). Anyway, wish me well! Leave comments!

Appreciating beer

2007-01-06T22:47:00.000-05:00

So I went to the first day of a "class" I'm taking called "Beer history and appreciation" with high hopes of finding a beer that I like. Success? Well, only a bit. I learned some about how beer is made, and would have learned a lot more had I not accidentally left the handouts in the classroom at the end. We tried about 4 beers, and I discovered that less filtered beer is indeed a lot better than filtered beer. We explored the mystery that is beer and cheese combinations. I got to try an incredibly soft cheese that, while pretty good, didn't seem to warrant its $16/lb price tag. I also got to try organic Tibetan yak cheese, which single-handedly justified the time and effort of going to the class because now I can say I've eaten Tibetan yak cheese! How was it? It was unbelievably hard as far as cheese goes, but really flavorful. It was $13/lb so I won't be getting any more of it for awhile, but I'm glad I had it. There was another expensive cheese we had that was good but not memorable in name or flavor. Of course, I haven't said anything about what the cheese/beer combo tasted like. The answer - like cheese washed down with beer. It wasn't anything memorable, although maybe I used too much beer in my trials. I suppose I'll try again with less beer slosh action next Friday when I go to the 2nd and final class. Oh yeah, and dark beer is really flavorful, but still has the bitterness that I'm not really that fond of. So yeah, there's my breakdown of the beer appreciation class that sounded a lot more interesting in my head!

Ah, life!

2007-01-05T23:55:00.000-05:00

What should I do when too many things in my life seem to be going well? Is it normal to be suspicious when all ducks seem to be lined up into a relatively straight row? Actually, that's not completely right. Part of me is suspicious and wondering when the rug will be pulled out. That's in the background. Another part is saying "well, it's about time! So much has gone wrong in the past, things have to go right eventually - the universe loves happy endings." Perhaps the largest part is thinking "Too much of a good thing can be wonderful." (Mae West)

In typical ridiculous form, my plans for January have changed like 3 times in the last week. On Monday, I was going to be canvassing for the human rights campaign. Then, on Tuesday I was going to be canvassing for environment Maryland. Then Wednesday I decided I would screw canvassing and take a class on the politics of love instead. Watched a good film in that class on Wednesday, but ultimately decided today to drop the class because I didn't want to write 3 papers in 2 weeks. Just not my thing (for those who don't know me that well, formal papers are about my least favorite thing to do). Anyway, here I am doing basically nothing for January, which is fine because my apartment sure needs a lot of help right now, and I need some time off anyhow. So I suppose it's pretty hard for me to be too upset at myself, since I'm ending up being much less stressed out and happier than I would have been otherwise.

Canvassing, the sequel

2007-01-02T22:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I went out and hit people up for money today. The difference is that it wasn't for Gay and Lesbian rights like I thought it was going to be - it was for a group called Environment Maryland. Apparently they just made the switch today (Maryland public interest research group, the place that I suppose I work for). Go figure. At any rate, I had a pretty good time out there - all the other canvassers are really nice and really liberal, which I'm enjoying - I've never really experienced that type of atmosphere outside of college. We all had lots of really amusing (to us anyhow) stories to tell about our night, and it was kind of fun being crammed into a rental car with people I barely know, I have to admit. There's a certain sense of unrefined intimacy about it.
On the upsetting end of the spectrum is my apparent complete lack of free time once all of that "gotta do" stuff is accounted for, like practicing, exercising, sleep, meals, etc. Kinda blows. Also in the "blows" camp is that I had to be there at 12:30 today, and I'll continue to have to be there at 12:30 tomorrow and probably the next day as well. That basically means that I am devoting 12-10:30 to this job for the next couple days. Yeah. Oh well, I've got plenty of practice in cramming a lot of things into a small amount of time. This is feeling less and less like a break though...

Anyway, that's about all the time there is for blogging today...got to go to bed and repeat the whole thing again. Also, I should have many more fun stories to tell once I've been out canvassing on my own - today was with a buddy. Today was also unpaid, which will be rectified tomorrow, fortunately.

New job coming up!

2007-01-01T23:05:00.000-05:00

This post is going to be about two things - first will be about how I would probably be better off if I never played another video game again, and second is my thoughts before the first day of my job (should be amusing to compare with thoughts from AFTER my first day).

So yeah, I got back to my apartment at about 4pm today, with 2 full loads of stuff. I unpacked everything onto the middle of the living room floor to make it much harder for me to put off putting it all away (clutter in the middle of a room irritates me). So far, so good! Well, almost...noticed that the week without water has killed 3/5 of all plant life in the apartment. Amongst the casualties are Basil Plant, Italian Parsley Plant, and (possibly) Nice Ornamental Greenish Thing Plant. Rest in peace, you shall be missed.
*pauses for dramatic effect*
Next to be hit was the refrigerator. As you might imagine, that took awhile. Interestingly enough, bread, yogurt, and milk are all still good. I had to toss out all the vegetables, and some other things that...shouldn't be mentioned - I'm still trying to wipe the memory from my mind. Anyway, there was a point to all this - how I lost most of my time today to video games. So after all the basics were covered, I decided to curl up and blow an hour or so playing Ratchet and Clank - after all, it HAD been a week or so since I'd had a chance to touch my PS2. So 4 hours later, I finally managed to pry myself away from the thing, after sustaining myself entirely on chocolate chip cookies and water for that time. Not cool. Why couldn't I get off? It never seemed like a good time...it was interesting enough to keep my mind from crying out in boredom anyhow, which seems to be enough, at least when part of my mind is thoroughly involved in controlling the interesting-looking cluster of pixels on the TV screen. So what, you may ask - everyone needs some time to just veg. I suppose that's true, but the thing is that video games don't seem to fulfill that function in me - they tire me out, and they don't really relax me either. All and all, I could get a lot more out of a good book, a good movie, a good CD, or some combination thereof. Arg. Well, I'll let this drop for now and return to my self-loathing.

Part the second:
Well, tomorrow is the first day of canvassing for Human Rights Council (i.e. gay and lesbian rights). This is going to be an interesting job for a couple reasons. First, I've never really gone door to door much before - there were those fundraisers in grade school of course, but I hated them and eventually stopped doing them because I was too shy. I hope it will be a really good time to overcome said shyness - my income is entirely commission-based, so if I can't get donations, then I'm going back to school poor! I'm also hoping it'll be a way to get inside other people's heads a bit - that one probably sounds strange, but I think that by talking to a whole lot of random people and hitting them up for money for gay and lesbian rights, I think I might get some insights about human nature and how to relate better to other people, particularly when they are on the defensive! Oh, and parents (read: my mother) is thoroughly worried that I'm going to die doing this. Well, I guess if this is my last blog entry, we can safely conclude that's what happened to me. Death by canvassing. How tragic. It would actually be tragic to die right now. There's so much that I think and/or hope will happen in the next few years that I'd hate to miss. Of course, that's the curse of living life being oriented towards the future, isn't it. Writing this has made me realize the lack of logic of this strategy (although planning is definitely a good idea). That'll be one of my new year's resolutions this year - to live more in the present.
Hopefully I'll keep it...another one is going to be to not play video games for ridiculous amounts of time :-).

Tom Robbins, my hero! And other matters, because I have ADD

2006-12-29T16:54:00.000-05:00

I discovered Tom Robbins the other day. If you haven't read any Tom Robbins yet, get up...NOW, go to the local library or bookstore, and get a book by him. No, really. It's that good.

In one ordinary-looking 420-something page book with a plain if slightly unorthodox front cover and the picture of a fairly hairy man with a somewhat strange looking but full and welcoming smile on his face (this marks the end of the world's longest dependent clause), there are tremendous insights on art, religion, and life in general. The best part is that it's not a dry, boring book at all. It's extremely funny! He combines situational humor with a healthy amount of the imaginatively absurd, and uses that to wash down some of the best philosophical ideas I've come across in a long time.
There was one particular comment in the book that caused my mind to regear itself - it was something about beauty. One of the characters, an artist, found herself wondering why she was constantly seeking beauty when there is so much ugliness in the world. After all, isn't it...irresponsible and dishonest to surround herself by beauty? Her answer to that is that without knowing beauty, how is she to recognize ugliness? I'll add along the same lines that without having beauty in our lives, how will we guide our efforts to help remove the ugliness from the world? With that chain of realizations, I realized why I can't quite let music go - it's the beauty in my life (or at least an important part of it). One of the "sins" I've committed in the past is not fully cultivating that beauty, and keeping it under wraps rather than sharing it (read: not forcing it on others, just making it available) with others by performing. Of course, I'm still going to be an electrical engineer, but I'm definitely more serious about my plan to keep playing music in my free time. Not only that, but I want to change how I play music to be less technical and more inspired. I want to channel beauty through me and out my instrument. I think that will come in time, now that I've changed my reason for playing music. I hope that makes at least a bit of sense - writing about new ideas is exciting, but terribly disorganized.

Soon, I will be buying a can of pork 'n beans, and I will keep it in my cabinet always, making sure to keep a number of interesting food products near it. And in general, I will always treat inanimate objects with the utmost respect.

In other news:

I managed to catch Casino Royale in the theaters a couple days ago, which thrilled me because I figured that it would have been gone weeks ago. As much as I disagree with most violence, I'm still thrilled by the Bond movies, and I'll probably own them all when I have the money. Sometimes I wonder why I like those movies. Innocent bystanders and anonymous henchmen are casually killed, women get screwed (pun intended), and he destroys nearly everything he touches regardless of its monetary or cultural value, and yet I smile while it happens. Part of it is that he's so refined and polished when he does it, which feels like a contradiction, and that fascinates me. On a cruder level, my 8-month old nephew gives me some clues - he's become very good at swinging his fists at things, banging things, and slamming things into other things. He's also likes mommy a whole lot. I wonder if there's a part of all men that never quite left that phase...I think Freud and others would probably have something to say about that, but being a bit tired tonight and of course not being at all qualified to continue with this regardless, I'll move on.

Oh, Christmas, how I love you! Lots of fun presents were received. The ones that people other than myself might find fun are:
-A T-shirt that has "BUTT" printed on the front, and nothing else
-A T-shirt that has "I like to lick mud puddles" printed on it
-A "Stewart Colbert '08" shirt. Hell yeah!
-A shirt that I wouldn't even attempt to describe...I'll post a picture of it when I get back to my apartment and get my camera back (arg...so mad at myself for forgetting it! And with 2 gigs of space to take pictures too - that's like an hour of video, or 3000 high res pictures!)

My sister received a recording of the 1st International Windbreaking Competition.

And...*pauses for dramatic effect*...finally started doing cardio again. Hard exercise is such fun! I wish I had a transcription of my thoughts during that fateful 21 minutes on the elliptical machine. It would have gone something like this (Copyright 2006 Liquidporkgun Enterprises, LLC)
First couple minutes
I can do this all day! There's nothing this machine can dish out that I can't take! Hah! What do you have to say about that, Elliptical Machine? Yeah, that's right. *Punches elliptical machine to emphasize point. Gym management gives disapproving look.*

5 minutes later
*Sweating profusely* Alright, I'm going to die. There is absolutely no way I'm going to make it all 21 minutes before collapsing. *Pause* Exercise is such a strange thing - by damaging myself, I ultimately make myself perform better.

After the halfway point
Alright, this is hard, and I think I'll probably not feel so good when it's over, but I can do this. There's no reason I can't do this. It's important that I do this. A lot of things that are worthwhile in life are hard. Think of this as practice - if finishing this 21 minutes could feed a child in Africa, I'd totally do it. I'd do 2 of them if I could. So pretend it is. There you go. *actually manages to close eyes and find rhythm* *thoughts drift around, still trying to process Tom Robbins book*

A couple minutes later
*Happens to glance over at mirror to the side* When you look from the side, my head comes out from my body at an angle...I look like a bird. How silly. I wonder if that's normal? Maybe I should go to a chiropractor to see. Chiropractors cost money. I could use the money for other things. I'm in debt. People in debt don't see the chiropractor. But then again, I'm going to be in debt for a couple years, and it's a strange kind of debt anyhow, kind of detached from my normal life, which my income can handle just fine. Ah, student loans...

After getting off the machine
Wow, I feel awesome! I wish I could do this every day! I feel like I'm 5 years younger! I'm so energetic and spry! (I love that word...so many consonants. Also good are splat, splish, swoosh, and splisp...don't look for that last one in a dictionary)

The moral of the story (if there is one, that is) - exercise is good, even though it feels bad. 2nd moral: a bad situation can be made easier to deal with by imagining a worse situation sometimes.

Alright, that's all for the time being. Everyone go out and read Tom Robbins...or...I'll come up to you one day, blindfold you, strap you into a chair, tickle your belly with a moistened whole wheat spaghetti noodle for an hour, buzz cut the phrase "I haven't showered in a year" into your hair, and imbed a small speaker into your ear that will play Kenny G incessantly for the next 3 years until its battery runs out.

You have been warned...

Quotes I've been turning around in my mind:

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful." Mae West (as seen on the billboard of the Unitarian Church near me)

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." Antoine de Saint-Exupery (just came across it on the internet one day and liked it)

My love affair with Augusten Burrough's books

2006-12-24T23:07:00.000-05:00

Exactly what the title says - I think I may have to read every one of them! It's fun to read such a candid book (Magical thinking) that contains so many interesting experiences! It's even funnier that one of his short stories is all about how he hates when people come up to him and say that they feel "close" to him after reading his book and proceed to tell them all their own dirty secrets. It's also cool to get a better look into gay life through his stories. Some things he talks about were about what I would have imagined, while others were quite different. Either way, every one of the stories was interesting, and some were laugh-out-loud funny. Alright, time to stop sounding like a book reviewer...unfortunately I don't have a whole lot of other material. Well, here's something...

Dating is hard....no, scratch that. It seems hard to find someone that's compatible enough to go for a second date. This is not helped by the fact that I feel intimidated by anyone I'm actually interested in, to the point that only moderate amounts of alchohol have succeeded thus far in liberating me from this rut. So I let girls that I'm interested in who may or may not be out of my league pass by without even trying, and go after girls I think are harmless. Good policy...good policy. Oh well, in spite of my ranting, I can see that I'm making my way out of the thick shell I've built for myself all these years, and maybe soon I'll be singing a whole new tune, so to speak.

Wha-hooo!!!

2006-12-22T23:46:00.000-05:00

Today's mood: Smug

Semester's finally over!! What a rough end it was too - I spent the last 2 weeks studying pretty much non-stop. Oh well, I spent most of my time during the semester not studying, so I suppose I had that one coming. After getting most of my grades in, I feel like things ended better than they should have...it feels like I was pushing the envelope, daring my professors to fail me, but instead they gave me A's. Go figure...I think that part of me feels like I should have been punished for "misbehaving" during the semester - studying only enough to keep up with things, missing an obscene amount of class (there were 2 classes that I think I must have only shown up for about 1/5 of the lectures, and I missed quite a few of the other ones too), and spending a lot of the time just feeling burnt out in general. Oh well, as much as the "you must work hard for everything in life" part of me feels deeply affronted by this turn of events, I think it can deal with it, because I'm pretty happy with my grades!

In other news, January is a time for personal growth, of rediscovery. That's why I'm taking "Beer history and appreciation". Beer has been helping people live their lives more fully for thousands of years. Through this class, I shall learn about its rich history, and perhaps add a chapter or two of my own.

I'm also starting to play music more again...much more. Switching my main career path seems to have had exactly the result I'd hoped for: I'm playing music because I love it now, and I suddenly really like to practice again. I'm hoping to get some gigs, maybe even put together a recital in the next 6 months, to show I still have some teeth, and maybe get involved in the music world again. I'm also playing clarinet in Mozart's "The Impresario", which has forced me to...learn...clarinet.

Now all I need is a better social life and I'll be set! Oh well, nothing can be perfect I suppose...

Tired

2006-12-04T23:46:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of school. I'm tired of feeling like I have any friends, even though I know I do. I'm tired of not having enough time to do all the things I want to do. I'm tired of not being who I want to be yet, but constantly feeling like I'm getting closer, and that I'll be there in just a little bit more time.

Yes, I know I need to start living more in the present and stop building my life around planning for the future.

I need a hug :-(

Fun with priorities

2006-11-22T01:58:00.000-05:00

Today's mood: satisfied

Well, I decided to blow off a homework assignment, and 2 classes tomorrow! There were just more interesting things to do than stupid homework. I had a damn good day today - first there were classes and a frantic scramble to get my homework done (that's not the good part). Then, I got back and watched a good movie, Interview with a Vampire, and then talked with a couple friends online. Then, a couple Peabody friends invited me over to try out their new Wii! I ended up finding out that I'm freaking awesome at boxing (when it's just a video game :-) ), catching up with some old friends, and making a new friend out of an acquaintance. The bottom line is that my grade is high enough that not turning in the assignment shouldn't hurt too much as long as I don't make a habit of it, and I had a really good time. I also had a religious discussion for the first time in a little while, which has got me thinking again, which is (usually) a good thing as well!

There will probably be a ruminative entry coming soon about religious values that takes up a lot of space and doesn't really get anywhere. Look forward to it!

How technology is conspiring against me this week, and other things I want to complain about

2006-11-09T17:23:00.000-05:00

I don't expect to finish this blog entry. Either the computer will crash, the blog website will lose the text, or the internet will suddenly completely crash. That's been my luck with technology this week. Let me explain...

Saturday: Came back to apartment and got on computer, which I had left on for the day I was gone. Saw a black screen and a message saying "cannot find primary disk drive". Well, it just so happens that having the hard drive go on my computer has been something that I've been paranoid about for years now, I immediately suspected that, and long story short, it seems like my hard drive is still working, but that part of it is destroyed, and the rest might follow soon.

Tuesday: 2 homework assignments due. Yuck

Yesterday: 3 tests in one day. Need I say more?

Early yesterday evening: The internet decided it was going to start breaking. A lot. Under normal conditions, I'll have lose my connection once a month, and have to go into my apartment-mate's room to reset the router. Under particularly bad conditions, it might do that twice a week, or even two days in a row. Not last night. Nope. Last night it was freaking out, so that I would reset the router and lose my internet 5 minutes later. I reset the router 8 times before I finally just gave up. Luckily the internet was working better this morning, so it might be fixed *knocks on synthetic wood*.

Last night: Finished working on big project due today. It was time to go to kung fu, so I pulled out flash drive and put it in my pocket (force of habit). When I got back and reached into said pocket to get flash drive out, there was no flash drive. I've searched for about a day now and it seems to be lost. In addition to 10-12 hours of lost work on my project (luckily the teacher was understanding in giving me an extension), I'm sure there's a bunch of files that were just on that drive, + I don't even know what was on there and I'm unlikely to ever compile that collection of files ever again. Shit.

This morning: Pulled out PDA to check schedule like normal. It wouldn't turn on. In fact, it still won't turn on now. It does that from time to time. I guess it thinks it's cute. I think it means that the battery either didn't charge correctly for some reason, or that it got jostled loose, or whatever. Either way, the memory might be wiped, but that's fine as long as my hard drive doesn't crash before I get back. Even then, it's probably still fine because I have a backup on my other hard drive, which turns itself off :-).

This afternoon: Went to lab to start picking up the pieces of my project. Got to lab late because fucking apartment elevators were slow (they have 3, and 1 is being renovated for a month! After that one gets fixed, they're going to renovate the next one, and so on!). On top of the delays, which can reach 15 minutes at certain times of the day, they also have the nerve to thank us for our patience on their stupid notice that they put up. Fuck them.
I digress...
So I get on the computer and open up the development environment (kind of like a special text editor, at least for what I was using it for today) and start to program. I try to click a part of the program to go to it, and it doesn't work. Eventually I figure out that (in only this program, on this particular computer) you have to double click to jump the cursor to a new place. And, it highlights that portion of the code. And a whole bunch of other crap. I have a lot of patience for most things, but computer programs that break in stupid ways really piss me off. Every single wasted mouse click and extra keystroke brings me one step closer to the edge; I spent 3 hours on that computer, which didn't do wonders for me after the rest of this week.

Oh well, things are looking a lot better now. All I have is 2 people to tutor, (same class...not too bad) 2 homework assignments, and finishing that project before Wednesday. Then again, there are 2 more tests in 11 days. Oh well...at least I should have time to take things a bit slower for a couple days and gather my strength before the next load of shit hits the proverbial fan.

Ah, random

2006-11-04T09:20:00.000-05:00

Word of the day: Pensive

Deeply, often wistfully or dreamily thoughtful.
Suggestive or expressive of melancholy thoughtfulness.

I g0 for swimming class in a couple hours. Am I stupid to be worried about swim class? What if they don't like how well I showered, and make me go back into the shower to do it better? I suppose that second question answered the first one...

Yesterday I experienced the wonder that was spin class. Spin class is a bunch of people on fake bikes listening to fun tunes on boom box, being lead by instructor lady. Instructor lady is a fearless leader. She is also a masochist, and has very pronounced cheekbones. These cheekbones leave very little to the imagination to fill in what she'd look like dead. I found it hard not to replace her face by a skull with eyes. I tried to imagine what it would be like to walk around with no skin on my face, but only a skull. That lasted about 2 minutes, before the next hill kicked in and I was forced to abandon this meaningful mental exercise.

Speaking of which, it would be totally awesome if I was able to multitask - like doing a hard workout while doing homework. Life would be so much simpler!

It would be funny if cheekbone lady was also swimming instructor after writing this blog about her. I just might laugh when I get there if that happened...

More introspection, because I felt like :-)

2006-10-28T23:37:00.000-05:00

Why do we live? Why bother trying at anything? I wish I knew - sometimes I feel like I know, and sometimes I feel like I'll never know. I mean, no matter what happens you die. If we suppose for a moment that death is the end, then what is the point in living a good life? Even if you feel fulfulled when you die, after you're dead, you might feel just the same as you would have if you had wasted your life away. If you work for your family, or for society, that's all well and good, but you'll never see how any of it turns out, and ultimately all the people who cared about you will be dead too, and you'll have died out entirely from the memory of the living, except perhaps as a passing thought as someone flips through a family history. And yet, I never completely stop believing that what I do somehow does make a difference. Maybe it's conditioning - too much religion, too many inspirational quotes, too many happy endings to books and movies. I don't know why, but I doubt that's all there is to it. I want so badly to be a part of something great and fulfulling - a union that brings joy, understanding, and peace. I don't know whether I can find that something in art, in yoga and meditation, in the work I do, in a great love, or some combination, but I've realized that is the force that drives me, the only thing worth working for. There it is, my purpose in life. This could produce some interesting effects, since my biggest problem is usually deciding on what my priorities are. Stay tuned...

On late nights, and memories that last

2006-10-24T20:23:00.000-05:00

Living with no regrets seems to come down to setting priorities, and to recognizing in the moment when something is good for you (and of course backing all of that up with actions). In my case, I've always seen friends, laughter, and overall letting my guard down around others as something that other people did. I was set in my path to excel in school, and go on to live meekly in my corner of the world with a decent job and a family. It's a dangerous thing to let yourself believe that it's too late to change things, that you've already made commitments. You end up building an unhappy life that will unravel completely once you start to listen to that nagging voice in the back of your mind that says "Why not be more?"

So how does this relate to the title? Well, being true to my usual form, some of it doesn't relate at all. But then, part of setting my priorities has involved me asking myself whether it's more important for me to be a good engineer, and graduate with honors and all that stuff, or to have had a lot of fun and/or interesting experiences by the time I graduate (again). All of these are cool in my opinion, but I think that I'm happiest when I do things that involve connecting with other people.

Finally, I got to thinking about why I bother writing a blog. After all, I can't bitch about friends or family here, because they all read this. I think there's a few reasons. First of all, it's a good way to keep all the people I can't talk to on a regular basis in the know about who I am and what's been on my mind. Secondly, it's a diary without names or personally-identifiable information - it just has the important stuff: who I am now, my thoughts, and my dreams for the future.

Most importantly though, I think I use it as a way to break free of the quiet, awkward social identity I've managed to cast myself into. After doing badly in a social situation, I take comfort in knowing that even though I messed up in person, if they want to know what kind of person I really am all they have to do is read my blog. Of course this particular reason sounds kinda dumb after I put it in my blog for everyone (including myself) to see, but then that's another really good reason for me to have a blog!

Hah! I just wrote my longest chain of publically displayed introspection ever!

A first for me

2006-10-21T02:42:00.000-05:00

This is my first blog written slightly toasted. I'm feeling pretty excited about the whole experience, and I have high expectations. Right. Right now I'm feeling a bit hungry, so I'm going to go get something to eat. Back. The funnest part about being tipsy is that everything physical takes just a bit more thought than usual. Take turning for example. Turning is something we normally take for granted. Not so for me right now! I have to stop, realize that something is wrong, and that the thing wrong is that I have run out of straight. From there, it takes a bit of time to process that the direction that I want to go is right, yes right. So I turn right, and carry on my movement. How awesome is that? That's what I thought. I bet you wish you could be as cool as I am right now. Yup.

Thanks...

2006-10-14T01:55:00.000-05:00

Today I'm thankful for all the people who write comments on my blog. Comments, especially the thoughtful ones that awesome people like phoooiee and Funky Smith write on my blog, are usually the highlight of my day, and I think they really do help me in my never-ending quest to figure out who I am and why the hell I'm alive. Maybe one day I'll be able to return the favor by posting something thoughtful on your blogs...unfortunately it seems like by the time I get to that kind of thing it's late and I'm completely out of helpful feedback. Kind of like now actually, so I'm going to get to bed. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm grateful that you take the time to read all the shit I write here and write something back.

A newcomer's impressions of Unitarian Universalism

2006-10-11T23:45:00.000-05:00

So I went to a Unitarian Universalist church this weekend. What an experience - it's not exactly what you learned about in history class! For one thing, it stretches most people's definition of what religion actually is. Unitarian Universalists don't have a creed - there are no formal dogmas, although there are a set of prinicples that all UUs agree on, which are basically a set of humanist ideals that every member strives to uphold. Actually, that hits on what might be a better description of what UUs are: humanists that are exploring the spiritual side of life together, while respecting each individual's right to hold his or her own views. As one person I talked to put it, UUs agree to disagree. It's a nice safe place for people like me that are disillusioned with formal religion to go to get support in their "spiritual journey", without the pressure to conform and/or the sense of guilt and alienation that comes from doubting some parts of the religious dogma.

I can't believe I'm writing this in a public blog

2006-10-11T23:28:00.000-05:00

Most likely this entry will be edited or taken down in a couple days - even though I like the idea of being an open person, some things are a bit weird to post on the internet. But here goes this experiment: enjoy this rare look into a more private part of myself...

So yeah - I watched Moulin Rouge today. (I'd seen it before, but it's been so long that it counts as mostly new) My reaction to that movie is so complicated! Initially, it was "what the fuck?" because everything was so spastic. Eventually I started to get really into it, especially the romance of the whole situation. The longer I watched, the more convinced I became that I'm missing out on life - on being completely spontaneous, living in the moment, and doing something completely irrational all in the name of love. At the same time, I was absorbing every single detail of how the lovers interacted, especially initially, as if understanding that could give me the ability to make something like that happen in my own life. By the end of the movie, I was ready to just drop everything and start chasing after my new dream of loving and being loved in return, because that is the only thing worth doing in life! It's such a powerful concept, especially for a bookworm like me - and maybe I need a little bit more of that in my life, but after being away from the movie for a couple hours it shocks me how much it shifted how I think about things. I think that there's a lot to be said for quiet friendship, quiet love, and just meditative time to myself (not to mention studying and all that shit), but maybe the best way to go is a little hot-blooded romance! Then my rational side kicks in, pointing out the 2 major problems with that:
1. My public persona isn't exactly the type that would be able to create that kind of mood, or most likely draw the kind of woman that could play off of those cues, making the whole thing work.
2. I'm too picky anyhow.

That raises the question of how to break out of a public persona, once it's become almost as much a part of me as my real personality. The even better question is whether what I think is the real me is actually the real me, or just a phase that needs to be worked out of my system. Either way, change is good, albeit difficult.

I'm curious what people reading this have to say - any thoughts or advice?

It started on topic...

2006-10-04T20:03:00.000-05:00

The theme of this week is too busy...too busy and too bad - the "too busy" being what I'm saying, and "too bad" being what my schedule is saying back. It's getting to the point where almost everything is reminding me that I'm spending so much time getting ready for life after college that I'm forgetting to live it right now. Although, I've made some progress still - being so busy this semester has made me see that there's really never nothing to do. There's always something else I can be doing if I put my mind to it. Some of it's even worthwhile :-). It just occurred to me - who am I smiling at? It's terribly uncomfortable to smile at someone and have them not smile back. What am I even talking about? Grrr. I'm living up to my blog's name this time!

I feel powerful!

2006-09-25T13:37:00.000-05:00

Today, I am powerful! I woke up at 3:30am today, and felt great - so great that I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it back to bed again. As I got my obligatory drink of water, I thought "wow, it'd be great if I feel this good when I wake up at 7!" Sure enough when 7 came along, I woke up and felt great! Now, I wrote this off as one of those crazy psychological tricks, until this afternoon. In my Probability class, I was talking to a friend who was saying he'd like next Monday's test to be moved to Wednesday. I said that I'd definitely like it to be moved, but that Tuesday would be a lot better for me (I have a test next Wednesday already. 2 in one day would be pushing it). Class started, and the professor announced that the test is coming up, but not when it was marked on the syllabus. Apparently next Monday is Yom Kippur, so he moved the test to Tuesday! Coincidences? You decide. As for me, I've wished for straight As this semester, a good social life, and true love. We'll see what happens!

On a different note, I'd like to complement my apartment building on their excellent elevator maintenance skills! (out of respect for them, I'll preserve their anonymity and simply refer to them as Pa_k Char_es) Out of 3 elevators, exactly 1 was operational for this morning's rush. We managed to squeeze about 10-15 people plus a couple of bookbags into the one (tiny) working elevator on the way down. It was good fun!

At last, popularity!

2006-09-23T11:13:00.000-05:00

I've waited all my life to be popular, for other people to want to include me in their lives in some significant way. Well, that moment has finally come for me - I've been invited to "my live sexy webcam show" AND "my hot webcam show", all in the same day! Big pimpin' now!!!!!

Over it now

2006-09-14T18:48:00.000-05:00

Some observations about where I go to school:

1. Nearly everyone is very smart
2. All the professors are amazingly good at what they do - some are more so than others, but even still.
3. No one seems to be as friendly as they initially appear
4. My success with talking to people seems to be inversely related to how much I actually feel like talking to them...(there are some glaring exceptions though :-) )
5. Everyone is very busy, but I get the feeling that everyone secretly thinks that they're busier than everyone else (I'm guilty of this, and have been for a couple years now)
6. No one is fake because they're mean - they're fake because it's easier.
7. Everyone reacts strongly when I tell them my "educational story" :D
8. It's easy to start a bad conversation, kind of hard to start a good one, and it doesn't seem to matter that much anyhow because almost none of them go beyond that one conversation, and what does doesn't seem to correlate much with what I say.
9. Being busy really can make you feel better about yourself, as long as you make yourself busy with the right things.
10. It's a lot harder to convince yourself that it's ok and normal to be smart but not necessarily that articulate or interesting, when the people who are smart, well spoken and interesting, and the quiet ones are usually in another playing field altogether. (this is me stereotyping people so that I can have 10 observations...it's not quite like that)
11. All too often, people put comparably insignificant things above the truth.

:-D

Mind has been officially blown

2006-09-06T22:59:00.000-05:00

I've always treasured times when I've been able to talk with, or even just be around, someone very smart. It feels surreal to be at a place like H University, where it seems like literally everyone is smart, well-adjusted, and interesting. It's hard not to feel intimidated, but when I manage to get past intimidation, I begin to understand what a beautiful thing it can be to be the small fish in a big pond, so to speak. Imagine being in a place where every conversation you have has the potential to be meaningful on many levels, and sometimes even a life-changing experience. I base my goals and desires off of my environment, and all of a sudden my environment has been supercharged! Before I actually came to H University, getting into it was what I wanted more than anything. From that goal, many new ones seem to have sprouted. For someone like me who is very bad at figuring out what I really want, but very good at striving to get it, that is a very good thing!

Now if only I had a schedule...

My possessed computer, and why it doesn't matter

2006-09-04T00:45:00.000-05:00

So I got back from an awesome day at orientation - made more casual friends than I can count, and I'm getting to know a couple people better as well! Hopefully things will keep working out like that! Today, my computer chose to believe that the ALT key was pressed down non-stop. This was quite the pain in the ass, and it did not stop until I turned off the computer, unplugged my wireless keyboard and mouse from it, and turned it on again. (just unplugging the wireless keyboard and mouse without rebooting didn't fix the problem for some reason) Just tried to plug them back in, and that didn't work too well - same problem. Arg. Stupid wireless technology. Actually, I think it's just the batteries, but I'm a little annoyed that the battery life is only about a month. Whatever. I'm still just thrilled to have made some friends today, and not even a stupid computer will alter that. Anyway, it's almost 2 and I have to be up before 8, so yeah...:-)

Rant

2006-09-02T21:08:00.000-05:00

I really really should have lived up near Hopkins. I'm going to be spending 90% of my time up there, and yet my primary ways of getting there are: walk 7 blocks to the shuttle bus, take shuttle bus, then wait for shuttle bus to pick me up again to get back, walk 7 blocks to apartment. Or, I can walk 7 blocks to car, drive to Hopkins, drive back to Peabody, walk 7 blocks to apartment. Tonight, I took option 3, which was to shuttle up to Hopkins, then to try to shuttle back, but then realize that the shuttle doesn't run that late. No one told me that (no one was there to tell me that), nor was there any schedule posted to let me know what the schedule was. Nope, I realized that by waiting for the 8pm shuttle to come, then figuring there was an 8:30pm shuttle when there was no 8pm shuttle, then finally realizing at around 8:45 that there was in fact no shuttle at all. What made all of this particularly fun was that there had been no dinner up to that point other than very tasty but extremely sweet refreshments at the Baltimore Museum of Art, which was why I was at Hopkins tonight. (what makes this even better was that I left the event early to make SURE that I would be able to catch the shuttle bus before they stopped running for the night. Silly me. So then, I finally managed to find a functional vending machine somewhere on the Hopkins campus (I only know where 2 are, and the closer one didn't take dollar bills, just change, which would have been fine if I had had 60 cents insteady of 55 cents in my pocket) At any rate, I had my ultra-nutritious dinner of wheatables and tortilla chips, (tasty though) then called the cab company that I had stored the number for in my phone. Well, turns out the number wasn't stored in my phone after all, even though I'm pretty sure it told me it was about an hour before. At any rate, I tried to call my sister to see if she knew a cab company number that I could use (parents...actually mom....would have worried an inordinate amount if I had called them, and probably would have driven an hour down to pick me up and deposit me safely at my apartment. I don't think so.)
. Sister did not pick up. That's fine...it was a long shot anyhow. I go into the library to check the internet. Start surfing, and all of a sudden, cell phone makes extremely loud, dorky standard motorola ring in the middle of deathly-quiet room filled with people who practically had "do not disturb" written all over their stony faces glued to the computer screens. Somehow, the right sequence of buttons on the outside of the phone must have been pressed while the phone was in my pocket to change the ring style from vibrate to "Loud", convienently the next setting on the phone. I ripped the phone from my pocket and cut the call off, then frantically tried to change the ring setting before sister tried to call again. Didn't succeed. Another extremely loud ring. Cut off the call again, slipped out of quiet room to call sister back after finally succeeding in changing ring to vibrate once again. Sister called, but no cab number, tragically enough. Talked for a couple minutes. Bitched a bit. Felt a bit better. Went back to computer room to get cab numbers. Fortunately took 3 down, because first cab company I tried (Jimmy's Cab) was a modem number. Succeeded in procuring cab with Yellow Cab, then dashed out to meet cab, only to realize I had told them the wrong street, and that I needed to go a block south. No problem - it'd been a minute tops since I called the cab - they don't come that fast, right? Wrong. Cab was parked at said street waiting. Oh well. Cab ride was pleasant, and less expensive than expected. Told them to drop me off at the closest safe area, since I didn't know how much it would be at first. To save face, after I realized it was only going to be like $6, I didn't tell cab driver to take me to my apartment. Had pleasant 7 block walk back to apartment building on inexplicably bruised left foot. At apartment, elevator took forever, then came but went opposite direction. Went down one floor, and made spectacular but unsuccessful effort to open its own doors. Fuck. Luckily, this lasted only about 15 seconds, then elevator found 2nd wind and began its trek upwards. Elevator reached my floor, succeeding in opening. I thanked elevator, and told it that I hoped it would feel better soon. It shut doors. Work, work, work with these elevators. They never get any rest. Maybe that's why they always break. Will be speaking with management about this problem on Monday. Finally reached apartment, began typing bitchy blog entry.

The Prequel:

Early afternoon activity was to be ice cream social at Interfaith center. Arrived, anticipating rich multicultural, multifaith experience where I could get information on all different religions, including Buddhism, and Unitarianism. However, this was not to be - everyone there was recruiting for Christian fellowship. However, this took about 90 minutes to realize because of the size of event. In the mean time, saw a couple of old friends, had some fun religious discussions with them. (I'm being serious) While one in particular was very understanding when I mentioned I was looking into other options besides Christianity, some had reactions that seemed to suggest that I should be feeling ashamed for doing such a thing. I can't fault them for reacting like that - I might have reacted in a similar manner a couple years ago, and I'm pretty sure I know what was going through their minds. That being said, it upset me, and it took about an hour's decompression time afterward to shake that feeling. At any rate, tried from there to make friends, but felt alienated from the others because of age differences and/or the above, which negated the social reason for going, and since I knew I wasn't getting any information on other religious options, decided to leave. Went to shuttle bus stop. Discovered (an hour later) that I had just missed the 3pm shuttle, and that there was no 3:30pm shuttle. Finally, 4pm shuttle arrived. My heroes.

Anyway, that was my day for today, with most of the good points convienently omitted for added dramatic effect. Hope you enjoyed :-)

Wow!

2006-08-31T21:21:00.000-05:00

Another day gone, and I've realized that I spent at least 9 hours of it on the computer, frantically trying to come up with a coherent plan for my 2 years of engineering school. It's silly in a way - it's not that I can't come up with a way to fulfill my graduation requirements - that's cake. It's that I want to take about twice the courses that I have time for, and I'm having a hard time deciding between them all. This is my life - spending time on silly things while realizing they're silly. That's a bit oversimplified though - part of me thinks they're silly, but part of me is trying to lay out these next two years perfectly so that I can get the best education I can, then get a nice high-paying, fulfilling job, and live happily ever after. Wow, that didn't seem quite as dumb until I typed it out just now. Anyway, that was my day, occasionally broken by a meal, or a practicing session, or the yogic relaxation exercise I finally managed to get myself to do. I could write a whole blog entry about how awesome that was, but I think that most of my readership already knows anyhow. If you don't, I highly recommend you try it - it's like concentrating 2 hours of personal relaxation time into 10 minutes, and feeling like I know myself so much better after coming out of it. I should totally become a Buddhist!

Another wonderful day!

2006-08-30T23:01:00.000-05:00

Where does the time go? I've really got to stop waking up at 10am every morning, because my day always seems really short when I do that. Grrrr. At any rate, I'm getting happier with my cooking, since I managed to produce 2 decent-looking and tasting (and very nutritious) meals in a grand total of about 30 minutes. If you're thinking "so what?" bear in mind that only a few short months ago it would take about the same amount of time to successfully cook a package of macaroni and cheese! So there!

I got a recording of Samual Barber's music, like a month after I ordered it. I'm listening to it right now - good stuff, except it's not as good as the first recording I heard of these pieces. To be fair though, it usually takes me a couple listens to warm up to a new interpretation. This one is really different though - I like a little rubato as much as the next gent, but this recording of Adagio for Strings might be taking it a bit far. And there's an edit in the middle of it. That pisses me off - there shouldn't be an audible edit in the middle of a beautiful piece of music, released by EMI. Bastards. Fuckers! I imagine this will be pretty funny to read - I go from being pretty happy with this CD to disliking it. I almost rewrote this section, but figured it'd be a lot better just to leave it the way it is. Even in spite of this recording's half-shittiness, I like it better than not hearing the music at all, and I think I need to somehow find a way to listen to more classical music, because evidently it makes me happy.

Speaking of which, I rediscovered how much I love listening to choral music yeterday, especially well-recorded modern chorus music. As much as I love harmony in instrumental music, it gets this wonderful new dimension that I can't quite describe when it's done with a chorus. If you have a second and are into such things, go to Eric Whitacre's site, and listen to some of his choral music. I really have to get a recording of that...it's the shit!!

Anyway, if I'm going to live up to my "don't wake up after 10am" goal, this entry needs to stop. Now.

My book addiction, and other inconsequential matters

2006-08-30T01:03:00.000-05:00

I went to Barnes and Noble today to try to find a book on growing an herb garden. There weren't any good ones, which was sad. However, that didn't stop me from seeing the clearance rack and walking out of the store with 3 books (none of which had anything to do with herbs, or gardening). I also got a box of quinoa from Trader Joes, but have not cooked it yet.

My living room is a mess, because I moved the recycling out from the laundry room into the middle of the living room, so that I would actually deal with it. I've been nipping at it, but it still looks like a shitty mess.

I spilled water all over the table today. It disturbs me that the residue was sticky. I don't think that filtered water should be sticky. Is there something I'm missing here?

...and now it's 2am and I'm writing a blog entry instead of sleeping. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Swing Dancing

2006-08-28T19:54:00.000-05:00

Well, swing dancing was great! Got right in there, danced with a bunch of people, chatted it up, and everything was cool. I saw this guy James outside though who didn't look so good. Seems things didn't go quite so well for him. Here's his story:

James leaves his apartment at 7pm. Unfortunately, the 15 minutes extra (mapquest showed it as being a 6 minute drive) he allowed for traffic wasn’t quite enough, and he ends up pulling into the parking garage near the area at 7:35, 5 minutes after the ½ hour swing dance lesson started. James walks up to where the swing dancing is supposed to be – it looks like a bar. He second-guesses himself – how could they have swing dancing at a bar? So he walks around the block to see if he’s got the wrong place (even though he knows that he really hasn’t). Eventually, he comes back to where he started, 5 minutes later. He decides not to chicken out this time, and walks in. There’s a friendly girl that works there that asks him if he’s here for the swing dancing, and he says yes. She says he can either just slip into the circle with everyone else, or he can ask one of the girls standing along the wall if they’d like a partner. For some reason, option 1 goes completely in one ear and out the other, and James decides to ask the 2 girls over by the wall if any of them would like a partner. They laugh and say no. So rather than just going in the circle, James stands there watching the group doing basic steps. James has gone swing dancing before, and this stuff looks like cake compared to the stuff he went through last time. James waits for about 5-10 minutes for something to happen to give him an opportunity to get into the circle gracefully, but nothing comes. Finally, he gives up and walks out of the bar, and flops down in a chair along the sidewalk, losing himself in the neon lights.

What should James have done differently?

Gah

2006-08-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

Today was my first time at IKEA. That place is awesome! The only bad part about it is that it's so damn big it's hard to make it through it all in a reasonable amount of time. It was like getting a rapid transfusion of cheap decorating ideas.

Tomorrow is Lentil burger, and possibly Unitarian church day depending on how adventurous I feel in the morning, and what time I get to bed tonight. I suppose it would shut my mom up about me not being religious anymore. (in her view...and I suppose in a lot of other people's view as well)
I really wish my parents would voice their concerns to the people they're concerned about. It's funny in a way - my sister hears all the stuff that bother's my parents about me, and I hear all the stuff that bothers my parents about my sister...but is that really the right way to communicate with other people?

On a whole different topic, work is finally over for the summer, leaving me with a bit of a vacuum - nothing to hate, nothing to do for about a week before school orientation starts. Of course, there's a lot of planning to be done for the school year but I'm not sure I'll be disciplined enough to get through it. We shall see how I do...

If you're looking for artful writing, look elsewhere today

2006-08-24T06:25:00.000-05:00

I'm an official Baltimore driver now - I totally parallel parked my car in the middle of rush hour traffic, 1st try! (then again it was a big space too) School's going to be such a strange world after basically living by myself all summer, and working in a small office. Unfortunately, there's also probably going to be no financial aid this year as it turns out, which sucks.

Update: Parallel parked my car again, this time in a small space with another car waiting behind me. Whoo-hoo!!!!

Well, tomorrow's the big last day. I have to say that now that it comes to it I'm a bit sad to be leaving. I've been getting along better with the people at the office ever since I stopped caring :-).

I also made a kick-ass sauce today - it had tomatoes, olive oil, red pepper, garlic, red wine, chili powder, mushrooms, and brown sugar in it! The recipe called for crushed tomatoes, which being the square that I am I went right to the internet to find out the right way to do it. I stumbled upon this girl's blog entry that was this big bitch session about how people are so concerned in creating these cookie-cutter lives for themselves that the forget to get their hands dirty and live. She said that people should live it up, crush tomatoes with their bare hands. I said "fuck yeah!" and went out and crushed a tomato with my bare hands over the pot. It made all these awesome squirting sounds, and felt blissfully messy and squishy in my grip. It was wonderful, therapeutic, and - dare I say - spiritual, all at once. It was like an Herbal Essence commercial, except...with a guy in his apartment...squishing tomatoes........and to be fair, I didn't make any sounds while I was doing it. It would have been a really boring commercial. But I would have liked it...

I got a piece of mail today - there was only one piece of mail in my mail receptacle, and it was for me all me. It was a netflix movie - the raincoat. I didn't watch it yet though, because I decided I wanted to watch more of The Two Towers tonight, even though I've seen it about 8 times now. I think that movie goes over the top from time to time with the drama, but I love it anyhow.

Oh, if anyone wants to go to an amusement part sometime next week, I'm totally there! (this is probably the WRONG place to advertise that though, since I estimate my reader base is about 5, on a good day)

Another "diary" blog

2006-08-21T20:09:00.000-05:00

Well, work is wrapping up...it's funny really, because I think I never hated work - I hate being thrown into something I don't know how to do, and that my performance matters on, and I hate being forced to do things. In spite of that, I think that I'm better off having done it because now I know how to deal with that sort of situation - I think it's a bid curmudgeonish (I made a word :D) and just plain unrealistic to try to go through life not getting into stressful situations. Anyhow...

Have you ever had this burning inside of you, like you're trying to connect with something that's kind of like a feeling but it feels both more real and less easy to grasp? It's almost like there's something wonderful just out of reach.

What if personality is more like a conversation than a fixed thing? (I can't take credit for this - it's from a book I'm reading)

Next Monday, swing dancing at Charm City - I'm really going to make it out there this time!

More stream of consciousness, because I'm too tired to right anything else

2006-08-20T23:16:00.000-05:00

What a day! I spent the whole day today at my apartment reading (about half of) the stuff I've been really wanting to read, reformating my computer hard drive, practicing, cooking, and doing laundry! It was a really full day, but it was full in a wonderful stressfree way. I'm not even stressed about the week because I know that it's my last week, and I know the rules well enough now to not have to worry too much about making any horrible screw-ups! Now I just have the entire semester to work out, an how to make 150 hours worth of stuff fit into 144 hours...(actually, I completely made up 150 hours. It's hard to tell how many hours worth of stuff I'll have during the semester because so much of that is studying time, and allowances for social time and clubs and all that jazz....fun fun fun) Anyway, the current mood is happy, at least for now. I think I'll be unhappy in the morning though because it's 12:15 right now and I wake up at 6:45. Yuck. Oh, I also read about the different kinds of threads and yarns and weaves that go into all the different fabrics we use. There's so many! And all to learn to do laundry properly. Oh dear me!

The turning point...but I still don't know what road I'm on

2006-08-17T20:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally did it today - I picked up my sax and played it. It wasn't out of obligation, it was because I had this one piece I played about a year ago stuck in my head and I wanted to play it again - he uses this awesome scale that's formed from two augmented triads 1/2 step apart from each other :-). At any rate, my playing kinda sucked, but I expected that. It was a good 1/2 hour, but it felt so weird to pick that instrument up again - every little thing about it was very familiar and very foreign both at the same time! It's funny how music ropes me in - I was playing absolute shit for 95% of the time, but there was that 5% where I heard that sound I wanted that kept me wanting to keep going. (finally I had to stop because my mouth was just done) It's such an inefficient use of time though to practice! Everything about music is inefficient - loudspeakers that sound good end up wasting 97% of the power they consume, it takes an ETERNITY to get the exact sound that you want, and most of the music I buy ends up being not quite what I was looking for after all. And yet it's something essential about me that I could never and would never want to divorce myself from. What a strange juxtaposition it is to be a musician and an engineer! Again though, I don't think I'd have it any other way :-), so long as I could also cook and ride my bike and watch movies of course!

6 days! 6 days! 6 days!

Where is lentil burger? It's been so long since we last saw each other...

The Musings of Mr. Gun

2006-08-15T17:40:00.000-05:00

Today's a depressed day. I've been spending so much time and energy being unhappy about work, and now I'm wondering if I'm unhappy with work or unhappy with how I do my work. I'm also starting to wonder if I'm going to be any different when I go back to school. I've been drawing all these plans about actually talking to people, going to the gym to work out and swim, joining lots of clubs, etc, etc. I wonder how much of that will actually happen, and if I end up just holing myself up in my apartment doing homework and reading all day, whether I'll suddenly decide that I didn't want any of that after all, and that I'm actually doing what I wanted in the first place. Finding the good in any situation is a gift I have, but sometimes I think it oversteps its bounds and becomes a cancer. That's a point for "Everything in moderation."

2006-08-13T06:50:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that yesterday I opened my mailbox and found lots and lots of mail in it. I'd like to thank all of you for your kindness and support throughout that difficult time.

2006-08-12T07:48:00.000-05:00

I took a personality test today. I figured why not - it's been so long since I've had a good personality test. Besides, what better way to celebrate that wonderful number "10"! That's right, 10 more days left of work then school school school! (actually, a week of nothing, then a week of orientation, then school) Yes that's right, I'm actually excited to be going back to school...I guess mainly because I'll get to see my friends more, and because I'm going to be a full-time engineering student now, a dream that's been building for about 4 years. Interestingly enough though, I find myself clinging fiercely to my music now that it's no longer required to be in my life - I'm practicing a pretty consistant 1 hour a day (granted, that's not on my primary instrument, but whatever) , and enjoying listening to music more as well. I kinda knew that would happen, but it's still a pretty profound change nonetheless. Anyway though, it's 1am, and I'd like some sleep, and a morning as well, so time to go. Here's the results of this personality test if you're curious:

Actualized Type: INFJ (who you are)
INFJ - "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1.5% of total population.

Preferred Type: ENFJ (who you prefer to be)
ENFJ - "Persuader". Outstanding leader of groups. Can be aggressive about helping others to be the best that they can be. 2.5% of total population.

Attraction Type: ENTP (who you are attracted to)
ENTP - "Inventor". Enthusiastic interest in everything and always sensitive to possibilities. Non-conformist and innovative. 3.2% of total population.

I'm not sure I put that much stock in this test though, since I wasn't that sure of my answers for a lot of the questions. Take the test yourself: http://similarminds.com/pref_jung.html

It happened again!!!

2006-08-10T16:35:00.000-05:00

I was floored yesterday, but this is really something - 2 days in a row now with no mail! I just can't believe it! I'd do something about it, but I'm already out of stamps from yesterday...

11 more days left! Speaking of which, I had a realization today - I'm fine doing a lot of work as long as I feel like I'm good at it, but I have a lot more trouble motivating myself to do work if I feel like I'm doing something wrong or unsure of myself. I guess that means I'll have to be good at my job in the future.

No mail

2006-08-09T17:12:00.000-05:00

When I got back from work today (a respectable 5:30 today, if you wanted to know), I looked in my mailbox for the daily 4 or so things for the guy who used to live here, plus 1-2 things for my roommate, the thing or two for "resident", and that ray of hope I like to call "my mail". Today, there was none of that in the box. There was nothing at all in the box. When I saw this, I assumed that my apartment-mate was back in the area, but after reaching the apartment and realizing that this was not so, I became a wee bit baffled. No mail? What could this mean? Did anyone else get any mail? If so, why didn't they give me any? Not even any impersonal "resident" mail today! "How rude!" I began to think, but then stopped myself. Maybe they didn't think I liked the mail they'd been sending, but was afraid to tell them for fear of offending them, and that's why the mail stopped! I found myself missing the mail. I thought about how I might let them know that I really did like their mail, even when it wasn't for me. I drew up grand plans to mail everyone who had ever sent mail, and everyone who still might send mail, and beg them to mail me, or anyone else so long as it ended up in my mailbox. But how would I word it? After some soul-searching, I came up with this:

Dear sir or madam,

When I read your mail, I always felt connected to the world in a special way - it made me feel like I was safe and warm in the blanket of your sweet words "To whom it may concern". It's been so long since I've heard from you and I miss your letters so terribly I feel like my heart might burst. Please...send me another bill!

Rant

2006-08-08T20:39:00.000-05:00

Well, I got home from work at 7pm today...I normally get home at 5. To be fair, I made a quick stop to the Safeway on my way home, but that was about 20 minutes of it. As much as I like extra money, I think I like my time a bit more. Now my whole day feels rushed, and I'm not going to feel quite up to going back into work tomorrow. There's so much work, and I feel like even though I guess I don't have to do it, no one asks me to stay that late, like I probably should, since most of the other people are staying late and it seems like a really busy time for the company this time of year. There's all the people that I've become pseudo-friends with there that would have to take on the work if I wasn't able to handle it and I'd feel pretty bad about that. That being said, I'm only going to be there for 13 more work days! Honestly, I think I need to get my priorities in order if I'm ever going to get time for myself, or else everyone's going to just suck away my time and walk all over me and I'll die broken and unhappy and feeling like all life did was use me and then throw me away like a snotty tissue!

:-)

Passion

2006-08-06T20:30:00.000-05:00

Up....down....up....down....pause to savor the moment and to catch my breath....up...down....waves of pleasure explode from inside me as I remove my fork from my mouth and basil, chili peppers, and lots of other stuff I can't place brush against my taste buds. There's so much chili on this Kapow fried rice! My parents laugh as sweat starts pouring down my face. It's my own damn fault - I ordered it extra spicy this time: 6 stars. The guy on the phone at the restaurant sounded shocked that I was ordering it that spicy, which pleased me. According to my sister, it's actually possible to get a high from food that's spicy enough. I have to admit that I was envious as I watched her get high from 10-star Thai food. Even so, I didn't actually start to eat really spicy food until I was completely sure that the chilis wouldn't bother my stomach. Once I knew the spice wasn't going to bother my system, the whole thing became a test of will for me, since my mouth was screaming "ow, pain, ow, stop!", but my mind knew that it was just an trick. To challenge myself, I began to swirl the food around in my mouth, feeling it sear into my mouth, but going on anyway. I also started to drink less water while eating the food, which heightened the sensation. Finally, I started stepping up the spices, and managed to tackle 6-star today (I started at a humble 3-star). Still no high, but I'm hopeful that I'll start to get a buzz at 7 or 8...even if not though, it's still really good food, and I love that satisfaction I get after finishing something that I was seriously doubting I could make it through after the first couple of bites!

Anyway, so ends my short vacation, and re-begins my period of fucking work! 15 days left!!!!!

The Beach!

2006-08-06T20:14:00.000-05:00

Well, just got back from a short vacation to Virginia Beach! I really don't recommend going there for just 2 days, as the drive is like 6 hours, but it's really nice! Spent a lot of the time in the car rides reading about hatha yoga, and amplifier design, which was actually a high point for me, since I've been trying to get to all that for weeks now. The high point of the trip was definately the beach itself though...

Actually, I guess it'd be more accurate to say the beaches, since we went to 2 - one by our hotel at the very edge of where the Chesapeake Bay meets the Altantic Ocean, then to the actual beach. I wasn't expecting there to be much difference, but damn! First of all, my new idea of a good time at a beach is to plop my stuff down at the edge, then run into the water and start getting hit by waves. Especially fun with someone else - in this case my sister, who introduced me to this lovely activity. At any rate, the bay beach was exciting because we ended up going out very far from shore and could still touch the bottom, but my sister kept saying how it wasn't quite as good as ocean city. Sure enough, the ocean was a LOT better - it was the first time I'd been to a beach with waves powerful to knock someone over at the point where the beach meets the water! We ended up only going 20ft out before my feet could no longer touch the ground, but it was more than enough distance, as the waves were enormous! My sister and I were having an impromptu wave-jumping/blocking competition - basically bragging about it whenever we managed not to get knocked over/submerged/splashed by a wave. Good fun it was!

My life-changing experience with sheets

2006-08-03T23:16:00.000-05:00

I find it truly amazing how many ups and downs I go through in a day, even in an hour sometimes when I'm really stressed out (read: work). I can go from being completely certain that I'm a failure and that nothing I do makes any difference to anyone, and that I'm not getting any better at anything, etc. to feeling like I'm doing a really good job in about 5 minutes. This happened last night when I was feeling depressed because the day had gone really fast and it was time to go to bed, and bed means morning, morning means work. (actually, a lot of my bad moods are tied to work...something must be done about this I think) Anyway though, then I learned how to do that cool trick with sheets where you can make them land all light and fluffy wherever you want them to go, and got all proud of myself because my sheets felt all nice and fresh again (it's truly amazing what a sensual experience fresh sheets can be!). All of a sudden the bad mood was gone. Of course it's back now because I had a whole day's worth of work to ruin it - good thing I have a vacation starting tomorrow! Oh yeah wait, it's not quite a vacation for the first day, because the guys from work are going to be installing an AV system that I designed tomorrow...the first one I've ever designed. Nothing good can come of this - I'm probably going to be getting a call tomorrow about something I missed that makes the whole job go bad, the company will lose money, people will be mad at me, and I'll feel like a failure. Some vacation it's going to be. But that's ok, because I'm sure I'll be able to cheer up right after that and enjoy the rest of the weekend...no dark cloud what-so-ever. Actually, I might be able to do that, depending on what kind of mood I'm in tomorrow...I can't even count how many times I've chewed out my boss in my head. I don't think that chewing out my boss would be a good place to start this, but I really need to start living my life instead of thinking about living it and playing out fantasies in my head! Speaking of which, I've made a resolution to go bungee jumping or parasailing or something similar if the opportunity presents itself. We'll see if that happens! Anyway, gotta wake up bright and early tomorrow and I want to have the energy to get a few hours of reading done in the car tomorrow, so farewell my faithful readers - to approximately 2/3 of you, see you tomorrow in Virginia Beach! To the rest, fear not, for I shall return to share stories more numerous and enrapturing than the stars in the sky, and we shall laugh and sing and dance together among the stars, for that is the way of su-------**thwack!!!**

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Liquid Pork Gun is unable to continue writing at this time. We apologize for the inconvienence.

2006-08-01T19:50:00.000-05:00

I think that work is good for me (I still hate it mind you). It teaches me how to be more assertive, stand up for myself better. The people there are actually very friendly, and the work is not that bad, other than the fact that my boss regularly tells me that if I mess up he's going to come hunt me down. At very least, I'm only rarely bored, especially this week, which turned out to be a pretty crappy week to take a Friday off because of all the work that has to be finished by Friday. Oh well. Beach is going to be pretty fun. Maybe I'll be able to get into the ocean without being afraid of being stung by a jellyfish. Maybe I'll be able to get myself to bungee jump if they have it there.

2006-07-31T23:19:00.000-05:00

Oh, I had a library fine of $47.20 the other day, and it's actually still increasing even though I returned most of the books and paid that fine, because although I returned 14 of them, there is still one outstanding book that I can't put down but also can't seem to make it through that I've been keeping for like a week or 2 longer than the other books so far, so that's going to be another $7 or so. I'm retarded - I could almost buy that book for that kind of money!

2006-07-31T22:59:00.000-05:00

Daily tasks suck up too much time! I feel like I was working non-stop today from when I got home from work (and so basically non-stop since I got up in the morning) and didn't accomplish a whole lot that was meaningful. I replaced my printer, but that was quick. I made myself a nice healthy dinner which took like an hour because I'm slow, I watched a movie (Redemption - really damn good movie...I'd watch it again if I thought I would enjoy watching a movie again), and I made blueberry corn muffins, because the blueberries are going to go bad in a couple days and that's pathetic because I bought them like a week ago for the specific purpose of making those blueberry muffins, and hadn't managed to do it yet. At any rate, I also made an impromptu steamer with a pot, a colander, 2 piece3s of aluminum foil, a hand towel, and my hands covered in oven mitts. It got good results, but it ruined the towel and damn near burnt my hands even underneath those mitts - I had to keep taking them away from the pot every 30 seconds of so! I think that in light of that, a steamer is probably a good investment, as steamed vegetables are damn tasty as I found out tonight. I also think that it might be a good idea to remove the outer layer from the stalk of the broccoli next time! I learn so much about cooking every time I do it - mostly I learn that I still suck at it, but I think that I'm getting better, and maybe a bit faster...I can't quite tell. And I will try the Apple Cake recipe sometime, but not quite yet, as I think I might be spending all week trying to get rid of the double ass load of fresh vegetables I have in the refrigerator already. The real problem with fresh, healthy food is that it doesn't keep. That sucks! I had to throw out my lunch meat from 2 weeks ago today...that sucks! I guess I can just get a smaller amount next time, but it's the principle of the thing dammit!

I want another of those lentil burgers...I wonder if they'll give me the recipe. I got some lentil soup mix and some falafel mix at Wegmans on Sunday...I wonder if they're good. I think they will be, but that lentil burger will still reign supreme over them. I think that health food is just as dangerous as McDonalds food, because they put addicting lentil-based good-tasting stuff into them and make you come back over and over and over again and buying more and more of their food and thinking about how good it is, even long after you're done eating it. It's not fair - I should be able to go through at least a full day without having steamy fantasies about lentil burger with cheddar, but alas this has not happened yet! (to be fair, it's only been about 29 hours since I last ingested said burger of lentils) Tragedy...

2006-07-30T23:27:00.000-05:00

I know I had a good day today, because I don't have that vague feeling of regret that something didn't go differently, at least for the bike ride part - good bike ride, good conversation, and then that nice high you get after you get off the bike that makes you happy no matter what happens. I love how being with the right people makes me feel like I'm worth something, maybe a part of something that's special.

At any rate, after a 1 hour long trip to Wegmans (I really need to figure out how that store is laid out better - there were like 20 things on my list and it still took that long) back to work again...19 days left, soon to be 18! I really can't wait to move on, and yet I'm scared that once I don't have this job to be my scapegoat anymore, I'll just start not liking whatever I end up doing next. I guess I'll just have to see what happens...and blog about it!

2006-07-29T20:02:00.000-05:00

I really need to learn how to multi-task. I'm horribly unproductive when there are things around to distract me and I can't balance all those different things.

2006-07-28T23:55:00.000-05:00

Today, I saw "Grizzly Man". Wow...I've never seen quite so many crazy people packed all together into one 90-minute film. There's a scary look people get when they say crazy shit and are actually serious about it - their eyes grow wide and get bright with a hunger for validation from their audience, mixed with bitterness and scorn for their audience because part of them knows that validation will never come from most other people. That's what I read from their faces anyhow. I spent a lot of the movie thinking about what made these people so different from myself - what separated me from them. I only have a partial answer - I would never put my hands in bear shit, and joyfully ejaculate that I'm putting in my hands that was inside of the bear, and that I love the shit because it came from the bear. I suppose I'll have to let that suffice for now until I think about it some more...(never)

I also watched The 40-year-old Virgin tonight. That's a new favorite for me...I think I'm going to buy it.

2006-07-28T18:43:00.000-05:00

Only 19 more days left of work!

2006-07-27T21:45:00.000-05:00

After reading a friend's blog, I think I may be inspired to write more blogginess. I've gotten very calm about most things in the past 5 years or so, but there's still a couple things that really make me boil over, and one of them is computers. It's funny really, because I love what computers have done for me and the rest of the world, but it seems like on certain days they do everything in their power to drive me up a wall. Today, I tried to reformat my hard drive, but I couldn't even get past the first step because it involved changing something in the BIOS of the computer, and the computer was ignoring every command I gave it, and since you can only get into the BIOS in those first couple seconds as the computer restarts, I had to reboot the computer. I experimented with turning the power off while the computer was booting to make the whole process faster, but that just made it mad, and it started throwing bizarre error messages at me. About an hour later, I was starting to seriously contemplate picking up my chair and ramming it into the computer screen as hard as I could. Thankfully, common sense prevailed, but I have to admit that there's nothing like getting really really pissed about something - it gives me a kind of charge that it's hard to find elsewhere, especially with so little going on in my life right now.

That's another thing - my lack of social life. Why is it so hard for me to call or email a friend and ask them to come over? I make the excuse that I'm not moved in yet and I don't want them to see my place all a mess, but that makes me a bit nauseous because I realize right after that it's an excuse my mother would make. It's a truly horrible thing to realize that despite my best efforts, I still have my parent's bad habits with me. Fuck habits. They're not good for anything anyhow! Except eating, breathing, walking, cooking, typing, playing my instruments...dammit, it's one of life's little jokes that the things that annoy me the most are the things that are also the most necessary. Anyway, I also go out and meet people, but I feel like I'm not ready to do that yet, and I know that's not a good thing to feel, because that's my tendency to never feel like I'm ready to do anything, but oh well. It doesn't help much that the most obvious place, bars, aren't too fun because everyone smokes in bars. I could go swing dancing, but I'm not any good at it, and that bothers me for some reason. I could go to a jazz club, if there were any that I could find. Arg. I'm a ridiculous person sometimes. But at least talking about it in a pseudo-public outlet might help me get better...we'll see.

Dinner today - sucked! I made barley with green beans (a recipe from the same book with the minestrone) and it was terrible, but I think it might have been my fault. I didn't steam the beans right (how do you steam something anyhow?), I overcooked the nuts that get sprinkled on top, and I halved the recipe for everything EXCEPT the seasoning, which made for a disgustingly tasteful meal. I also discovered how bloody hard it is to wash fresh parsley off of dishes! Anyway, time to go to bed, so I can go to work work work work work work work work!

I still have my love-hate thing with work going on, even though I was coaching myself not to hate it the whole time today - I don't understand the point of hating things really - it's so unproductive, and you just end up spending the whole time wishing you were somewhere else instead of trying to get what you can out of that time. With how much time I spend at work, that's a lot of my life that I waste by being miserable. Anyway, really going to stop writing this time...I swear...really...don't you believe me?

2006-07-27T19:24:00.000-05:00

Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

2006-07-26T22:09:00.000-05:00

Another day...I have 21 days left of work before I'm done, done, done! It's a funny thing with me and work. There's nothing really bad about my job, and I think most people would probably like it. I get paid a decent amount, they don't expect too much of me most of the time, and whenever I think that they do, it's usually just me being too bullheaded to ask questions and trying to figure things out myself. I'm learning so much from being there, and I'm starting to really get along with the other people working there, but I'm aching to get out at the same time that I'm loving every minute of it. I'm confusing.

On a less confusing note, I managed to make an edible ministrone tonight...it was more than edible - it was damn good if I do say so myself. The only thing that I would have changed would be to have put the green beans in earlier because they were still a bit raw-tasting. It's funny how when I start talking about cooking, I shift my writing style to be more like my grandmother's, the great cook of the family. It's funny how little things like that happen. I think that those little things are a lot of what makes life interesting...well, maybe not so much, but it sounded pretty profound though, didn't it? Maybe just a little bit? No? You suck.

I have this cool gadget called "Eurosealer" that supposedly reseals packages, but I forgot to pick up batteries this last weekend, and so I can't power it up to see if it works, because the only AA batteries I have are inside my keyboard and mouse :-( (Yes, I know that I could take them out, but I don't feel like doing that, because they were a pain to get in, and I would have to go back to my laptop and its no-good touchpad and poorly positioned keyboard, and that just wouldn't be any good at all).

Perhaps the most exciting thing of all is that I have a functional cheese slicer, which means I will save $1 every 2 weeks on the cost of cheese at Trader Joe's! Yippppeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

2006-07-25T22:11:00.000-05:00

So this i a blog. I'm not really sure what it's going to contain, but I'm sure that through the grace of the internet, the plain text I enter into this window will be transformed into an insightful, witty commentary on the world, day-to-day life, and just what it means to be human.

All jokes aside (as if anyone ever MEANS that when they say it), today was pretty weird. I got up at 4:40am so that I could meet people at the I-70 Park-and-ride, then drive for 3 hours to get to a job site in West Virginia. The reason was that we had to mount an 800lb glass screen into a wall that was about 10ft. off the ground, and somehow do this without breaking it. The real fun was that the front side of the glass was coated with a special plastic film that scatters incoming light, and so nothing can touch it, and the back is glass. So we ended up having 10 guys up on a platform with heavy-duty suction cups, lugging a screen into a hole cut EXACTLY to size, and then holding it there while other people screwed it into the frame. The whole thing ended up taking about 7 hours, which gave me a 16 hour day today, plus losing yesterday night because I had to get to bed at 8:30 so that I could be a human being at 4:40am this morning. I complain, but to tell the truth I thrive on stuff like that, because it's something interesting and challenging that I was part of. We even got a cool picture of the 12 of us standing by the big screen at the end, and my boss bought us all a beer. Oh, and I now own a pair of steel-toed boots, which are actually comfortable, and they're awesome because you can kick ANYTHING and not hurt your foot. I could probably break walls with those things! That, coupled with the amazing power of suction cup technology, put me about halfway towards being a shitty comic-book villain, so watch out Baltimore - your days are numbered!!!